Lucinda: It's filtered.
Rose: They just took him. Paul tried to reason with them, and they grabbed him.
Lucinda: Who is "they"? Start at the beginning.
Rose: I came down here with Henry. Right? I had the provenance from my grandmother saying the Rose of Sharon was the real deal. I was supposed to give the provenance to Henry, who would give it to Cooley, his partner. That's the guy who has pop.
Lucinda: Who's got pop? Cooley or Henry?
Rose: Cooley. Cooley, it was supposed to be an even exchange. My pop for the provenance.
Lucinda: And what about the diamond?
Rose: I don't give a -- I don't care about the diamond. I just wanted my pop!
Lucinda: Well, of course, darling.
Rose: So we're hitchhiking, right? Me and Henry, a really nice picture. We're hitchhiking to the hotel where supposedly my pop is. And Paul pops up, out of nowhere.
Lucinda: Thank god!
Rose: No, not -- no "thank God." 'Cause -- no, no. 'Cause Henry got spooked, and he took off. So I don't know where Henry is. I don't know where my pop is. And then I'm yelling at Paul for screwin' things up.
Lucinda: Oh, honey, that's perfectly understandable.
Rose: I'm fighting with him. Fighting with him, through the jungle, huh? Trying to get to civilization.
[Lucinda laughs]
Lucinda: Oh, darling.
Rose: We get to the water. We're walking along the shoreline. And get this -- some yahoo starts throwin' harpoons at us.
Lucinda: Harpoons?!
Rose: From a boat. No, that's not even the best part. The guy who was throwin' them -- dead ringer for Simon Frasier.

Simon & Katie's Room

Katie: I don't know why you're standing there, looking at my like that. I told you I was leaving.
"Simon": And I told you no.
Katie: I don't like this caveman schtick of yours, Simon. But you know what? You don't like being told what to do? Right back at ya.
["Simon" clears his throat]
Katie: If you don't get out of my way, I'm gonna kick you so hard that you will sound like Alvin and the chipmunks. Simon -
"Simon": Tell me what you know about the diamond.
Katie: Have you gone completely nuts? Simon Frasier, tell me you did not just manhandle me!
"Simon": I'll kill you -- I'll kill you if you don't tell me where the diamond is.
Katie: You'll kill me?
"Simon": Uh-huh.
Katie: Oh, that's great. After everything we've been through, you're just gonna kill me? Fine. Go ahead. But you better make sure I am dead, 'cause if I'm not, you're gonna see a side of me you've never seen before.

Avanya - El Capitan Hotel

Lucinda: Simon Frasier was hurling harpoons at you, trying to kill you and Paul?
Rose: Yeah! I know! It's nuts. But I'm telling you, I could see -- I think -- it was him. I think -- looked like him. Sun was in my eyes he was far away. But ooh! It's Simon.
Lucinda: Now, how did the soldiers -- how did they get there?
Rose: Well, you saw them, right? They're goin' on the beach. They got their things. They got the guns and everything.
Lucinda: Oh, yes.
Rose: So they tried to grab us, me and Paul. But Paul -- you know Paul. Tries to reason with them, and then they hit him over the head with a gun!
Lucinda: Okay. So that's who the "they" is. It's the soldiers. Don't worry about that. We've got that. Okay, we've taken care of Paul. [Lucinda sighs] we've got a problem. We've got a little problem with Simon.
Rose: You've seen Simon?
Lucinda: Oh, yes, dear, I have. Now, something's haywire. He's not to be trusted anymore.
Rose: Wait. Isn't that guy supposed to be here to help us?
Lucinda: I thought so, dear, but I think he's gone into business for himself.
Rose: That sounds like the old Simon. Not the new Simon Frasier, sweetheart.
Lucinda: Well, either something has baked his brain, or he's just plain turned traitor.

Simon and Katie's Room

Simon: All right, let me bring you up to speed here. This is usually the point where people beg for their lives or tell me what I want to know.
Katie: So this is how you're gonna end this nightmare? You're just gonna kill the only woman who's ever loved you?
Simon: Katie. Katie, Katie, I don't wanna hurt you. I just wanna know where the diamond is.
Katie: Yeah, you and everybody else who's ever looked at it. I don't know. How am I supposed to know? And by the way -- I never thought you would break my heart. But this morning, you proved me wrong. I have never been so hurt, so ashamed, so disappointed in anyone in my entire life. So if you want to look for that stupid diamond, fine! Do it yourself! I'm going back to Oakdale.
Simon: Hey. Whoa. Well, well, well, what a woman. I underestimated you, Katie. I think I need a little help from an old friend.

Downstairs

Rose: Katie! Katie!
Katie: Rose? Oh, my god! Are you okay?
Rose: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I made it through this time, thank god.
Katie: Where's Paul?
Rose: These guys in the militia -- whatever the heck they are down here -- they took him and -
Katie: What?
Rose: They sold me to the highest bidder which, thank god, was Ms. Walsh.
Katie: And your dad? Where's your dad?
Rose: Nothin'.
Lucinda: He's gonna be all right, dear. He's a resourceful man.
Rose: He's still no match for these people down here. You know that. You're not leaving, are you?
Katie: Oh, yes. I am getting out of this hellhole as fast as humanly possible.
Lucinda: No, you're not doing that. Because you are needed here. We need you. If Simon has the provenance, we need you to work on him for us.
Katie: Oh, please. Believe me, that ship has sailed.
Rose: That piece of paper could be the only way that I get pop and Paul back!
Katie: I'm sorry. I can deal with the cigars and the morning cocktails and a bad mood for a couple days. But I will not deal with my husband trying to kill me.
Rose: You, too?
Katie: What do you mean?
Rose: A man that looked very much like your husband was using Paul and me for target practice.
Katie: Look, I'm sorry. I -- I can't chance him trying again. I am sorry about Paul and Joe. But I gotta get outta here. I gotta get back to Oakdale. I'm sorry.
Desi: Excuse me. I've arranged a room for the señora if you'd like to get some rest.
Lucinda: Oh, thank you very much, Desi. Why don't you go and get cleaned up? I'll talk to Katie.
Rose: All right, all right.
Katie: You're not gonna change my mind.
Rose: Look, I just crawled my way through the jungle. And I know -- I don't know what's goin' on with Simon. I really don't. But could you please just stick around a little longer? Please, until we figure something out? Please?
Lucinda: That girl, poor girl, is desperate to see her father again. And to see her fiancé alive and well again. Now surely, dear, that is worth some small effort on your part. Surely.
[Man groaning]
Katie: Sir? Sir, are you okay? Are you okay? Cooley? Oh, my god. My god. Somebody call an ambulance! Do you have 911? Call 911! Cooley? Do you have Joe? Do you have Mr. D'Angelo?
Cooley: The diamond --
Katie: Yes, the diamond, diamond. Do you have it? Do you have it?
Cooley: Simon -
Katie: Simon?
Cooley: Simon.
[Cooley groaning]
Katie: Cooley? Cooley -- oh, my god.

Avanya - Jail Cell

[Keys jangling]
[jailer speaking in Spanish]
Jailer: Hey, wake up. You have a visitor.
Simon: Yeah? Oh, it better be someone from the Australian embassy.
"Simon": No. So -- what do you think?
Simon: What? What, are you wearing a mask?
"Simon": No. I'm as real as I can get. Better, actually. Well, well, well. We're pretty good-lookin' guys.
Simon: So what? What are you, my long-lost twin?
"Simon": No, don't be stupid. Do you know how long I've been following you? Tracking down your every move, your habits? The way you dazzle women and fill your pockets and move on? Years, I tell you. So it's nice to finally meet you in the flesh.
Simon: So you -- you have a name?
"Simon": Donovon. Donovon Curry. You remember Monte Carlo, a few years back?
Simon: Yeah, I might.
"Simon": I saw you across the casino. Across that room. And I couldn't believe it. You were me. Actually, you were a whole lot better off than me. And I wondered what it would be like to be you. Big, high roller, beautiful woman on my arm. So a nip here, a tuck there. And then I found out about the diamond.
Simon: All right. So now we’re to it.
"Simon": You lost that rock, but I knew that you wouldn't give it away. No. No, it's been a long time waiting for you to pick up the scent. And here we are. The diamond's here in Avanya somewhere, and Simon's on the case.
Simon: Well, it sounds like you've got it all worked out, mate. I'm not gonna even bother lying to you. I have no idea where the diamond is.
"Simon": Yeah. Maybe not. But you know that beautiful little wifey you're saddled with?
Simon: What, Katie's here?
"Simon": Yeah. I gotta tell ya, she doesn't scare too easily. Trust me. I've tried. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What have they been feeding you, raw meat?
Simon: Don't you dare try and touch her!
"Simon": She knows where the diamond is. Well, at least, according to Cooley.
Simon: You know Cooley? You know Cooley? Cooley's here? He's the one you want to muscle! All right? What about Joe? Does Cooley have Joe?
"Simon": Who is this Joe everyone's so worried about?
Simon: Rose D'Angelo's father. They've traded Joe for the provenance.
"Simon": Well, I've got to tell you, I just got the provenance. Now all I need is the diamond. And Katie knows where it is. Now, you either help me with that or I gut your pretty wife and feed her to the gulls.

Avanya - El Capitan Hotel

Desi: Señora Frasier, I can't tell you how sorry I am that you had to see such a thing, a man dying right here in the bar. I tell you, this hasn't happened -- for months.
Katie: That's comforting.
Desi: I'll get you something, okay?
Lucinda: Honey, who is in -- in the body bag?
Katie: I can't believe he just died. I was just talking to him, and he didn't even look that bad. And he's just -- I was actually starting to like Cooley on the island.
Lucinda: You knew him?
Katie: Yeah. Cooley. Weird, poor Cooley.
Lucinda: Cooley. Honey, um -- darling, did he happen to say anything? You know, some last words?
Katie: Yes, I was trying to get him to say something, and all he said was Simon.
Lucinda: Simon? Oh. If Simon has the provenance and the diamond, he's halfway to the Caymans by now.
Katie: No, no, he's not. He doesn't have it. He asked if I had it. There's no way he has it.
Lucinda: Simon did? Ooh. This is not the moment to be sensitive. This is not the moment to be scared. You have to go upstairs, take your bag and unpack your bag and play wife -- lovely, beautiful wife -- to mean Simon and get us some answers. Because, honey, we're all in this together. We gotta pull together. Is that understood?

Simon's Jail Cell

Simon: You're gonna kill Katie, and she's the one with the answers?
"Simon": I'm out of patience, Simon.
Simon: Well, Katie's innocent. If she knew anything, she'd tell you. She's got nothing to prove!
"Simon": All right. All right, then. Then you tell me how to win her over, and everything's gonna be just fine.
Simon: All right. I'll give it to you straight. But I want a deal.
"Simon": Oh, right? Well, we'll see.
Simon: First thing is you don't go to bed with her.
["Simon" Laughs]
"Simon": Hey, look, I'm not trying to play milkman while the hubby's away at work, you twit! That diamond's worth sultan money. That's what I want.
Simon: Just don't touch her. Because she'll know you're not me.
"Simon": Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. All right, so tell me -- what do I do?
Simon: All right. Once you get the information, you give me your word that you're not gonna hurt her.
"Simon": All right. Right, and what if I don't agree?
Simon: Then we all lose.
"Simon": Right. I get the stone, she lives.
Simon: Okay. All right. Let me tell you how to make her stay.

Avanya - El Capitan Hotel - Simon and Katie's Room

Katie: You know, if you could I'd probably just run away with you and forget the real Simon.
Simon: Katie?
Katie: I wasn't so sure you'd be back. Missed quite a night. I saw Cooley downstairs. Just before he died. Or was murdered, actually. Things are getting way out of hand here. I don't know if I wanna stick around and be part.
Simon: Well, you're still here. So I guess that means something. Right?
Katie: Where were you?
Simon: Uh -- I went out for a long walk. I was thinking about you. I'm sorry.
Katie: You're sorry?
Simon: Yeah. I also went and saw a doctor. I wasn't gonna say anything, but I've got -- kinda got this viral condition.
Katie: What?!
Simon: Yeah, it's called Malta fever. It's a tropical disease.
Katie: Oh, my god.
Simon: Yeah, they say I probably got it last summer, but it's remained dormant up until now. I get these migraines and these weird delusions! I'm sorry I've been so horrible to you.
Katie: Well, that totally makes sense. It explains -
Simon: I also got you this. Yeah. I figured you probably missed Snicker. Snickerdoodle.
Katie: Thank you. That's -- oh, that's very sweet.
Simon: And there's another thing I gotta tell you about. This -- this disease -- we probably shouldn't touch or anything like that at all until I'm cured. But I just wanted to make it up to you.
Katie: Honey, I don't care what you have.
[Katie grabs Simon and kisses him]
Simon: That was dumb! I told you I didn't wanna get you sick! Oh, I'm gonna wash up!
Katie: God. That's not Simon.

Rose: What's the word?
Lucinda: Oh. Rose, what are you -- you should be resting.
Rose: What, rest?
Lucinda: Go back upstairs to the room and rest.
Rose: I'm fine.
Lucinda: You are not fine. Take a look in the mirror and have a conversation with the circles under your eyes.
Rose: Hey, you know what? I'm gonna rest when I find my -- my Pauly and my pop. Period.
Lucinda: Dear, Paul is with the police.
Rose: Why?!
Lucinda: Because -
Rose: What do you mean "with the police"? What happened?
Lucinda: He's being questioned.
Rose: Is that Avanyan for torture?
Lucinda: That's all that Desi could find out for us.
Rose: What?! Desi can't -- tell him to go down there and -- to go down there and find Paul.
Lucinda: Shh, sweetheart! Come on, Avanya -- the police have their own rules down here. Civil liberties is not at the top of the list of the priorities.
Rose: What is -- bamboo shoots under the fingernails, the rubber hose, beating him over the head?
Lucinda: Look, dear, Desi will find out. He is our surrogate. We will know what we have to do.
Rose: My Pauly is very -- he's so sweet, you know. He's just naive. And I got him down here, and now he's stuck in some prison in this godforsaken place.
Lucinda: Darling, his naiveté may be a plus. Because they will release him eventually.
Rose: When? God knows, who knows. People from the disco age could be still stuck down in this dump.
Lucinda: As I said, Desi is our surrogate. He will help us.
Rose: Forget it.
Lucinda: We will know what to do.
Rose: No. You know what? Forget it. I'm gonna start wringin' some necks, I'm gonna start with that little Simon Frasier. He's my first one.
Katie: Oh, thank God I finally caught up with you guys. I'm freakin' out.
Rose: Where's that lyin', cheatin' husband of yours? Huh? He threatens you. God knows what he did to Cooley.
Lucinda: I brought Rose up to speed.
Rose: Heaven only knows what happened to my pop.
Katie: Okay, listen -- that's not Simon. He is not Simon.
Rose: Well, who is he -- the crocodile hunter?
Katie: He's an impostor, Rose. That man is no more my Simon than you are.

"Simon" & Katie's Room

"Simon": [practicing being Simon in front of the mirror] Hello, love. G'day, Kate. Katie! Katie! It's always Katie! It's got to be Katie! You get underfoot one more time, and you're stew. You got that? Yeah. All right, all right. Just take it easy. Take it easy. Relax. Think about the stone. Focus on the stone. So why don't we hit the road, love? We'll cruise this island and you and me do what we do best.

Downstairs

Rose: Have you been out in the sun too long? What do you mean Simon is a fake?
Katie: It's true.
Lucinda: Please, you're not suggesting that he has an evil twin?
Rose: Ooh, no. No more twins.
Katie: All I know is that the horrible man in this hotel, in my hotel room is not Simon Frasier.
Rose: Hey, maybe he got hit in the head. That makes people act a little funky.
Lucinda: Yeah, or drugs.
Rose: Drugs?
Lucinda: That's not so far-fetched.
Katie: You know what's far-fetched? That the man that I love would be acting like that. My Simon came down here and risked his life.
Rose: For us, or for the stone? He risked his life in the past for that rock. You know, he still probably wants to strike it rich.
Lucinda: Look, you gotta face something, my dear. The Simon that you married, he's gone.
Katie: That is what I'm telling you.
Lucinda: No. Gone, dear, in the sense that he's changed. He's rewired.
Rose: And please get that through your head now. It will be the best thing for all of us.
Katie: Come on, Rose, I'm not stupid. I know what I know, and I know a fake Simon Frasier when I kiss one!

Avanya - El Capitan Hotel

Rose: So your whole theory about this guy being a fraud is based on one kiss?
Katie: Yeah. Like there's a better way?
Lucinda: Maybe you and Simon have been apart too long.
Katie: Mrs. Walsh, I'm serious. The man I kissed is not my husband, Simon Frasier. Okay? Rose, wouldn't you know Paul's kiss from someone else's?
Rose: Yeah. I mean, I would. I would. But if he looked like Paul, acted like Paul, it would very difficult. Think about Holden. I mean, Holden never knew that I wasn't Lily even though I did a perfect job.
Katie: Exactly! You were a hoax.
Rose: Are you callin' me a hoax?
Katie: You know what I mean. The difference here is, I can tell the difference. And I'm not the only one. Simon kissed you, too. I bet you haven't forgotten that. Remember? The day I caught him in your library with Ruby and -- I'm sure you haven't forgotten.
Lucinda: Of course not.
Katie: So, see, this guy was a complete hoax. Lizard lips, disgusting, so not Simon. No tenderness, no lingering hint of passion, no electricity when it hits your toes.
Lucinda: No chills up and down that spine?
Katie: Exactly. Not even a quiver.
Rose: Are you buyin'?
Katie: Oh, there he is!
Rose: Looking exactly like the Simon Frasier I know and despise.
Katie: But he is not. Simon's gone. If you don't believe me, why don't you go over and kiss that no-good schemer yourself?

Katie: Go ahead. Here's your chance. Go kiss him.
Lucinda: I'm not gonna make a fool of myself with my employee just to prove your stupid, absurd theory.
"Simon": Hello, sweetheart. Rose, so glad to see you're okay. Where's Paul?
Rose: With the cops.
Katie: They're holding him for questioning.
"Simon": Yeah? Where? Where?
Lucinda: We're not exactly sure. And Joe -- Joe is still among the missing.
"Simon": Ah. So your father hasn't turned up yet?
Rose: No. But I'm goin' crazy.
"Simon": Rose, Rose, we're gonna find him. Don't worry.
Rose: As long as we don't find him like that Cooley guy.
Katie: Yeah, poor Cooley. Dead from a knife wound.
"Simon": Yeah, well, you gotta watch your back every second in this place.
Rose: Tell me about it.
"Simon": Rose, listen to me, please? Excuse me, love. We are gonna find him. Don't worry.
Lucinda: Um -- Simon, tell us, have you learned anything?
"Simon": Yeah, I've learned that trying to get anyone to talk down here is murder.
Katie: Hmm, literally.
Rose: Hey, did you get that letter?
"Simon": Hmm?
Rose: Katie said you had the provenance, the letter that proves the diamond is the real thing?
[Simon clears his throat]
"Simon": Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course I have. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Henry Coleman coughed it up.
Rose: Oh. Good. Can I have it?
"Simon": The provenance?
Rose: Yeah. It's mine. I should have it.
"Simon": It's not that simple.
Rose: It is. You find it. I keep it. Simple.
"Simon": It's not here.
Rose: What do you mean?
"Simon": It's not at the hotel. I mean, it's not safe. You know what happened to Cooley, okay? I -- I couldn't risk anyone getting their hands on it.
Lucinda: Simon, why don't you get it and bring it here and give it to me for safekeeping?
"Simon": I don't want to put you in any danger.
Rose: We're already in danger!
"Simon": All right, all right! Give me a couple of days. I want to make sure no one follows me.
Lucinda: Oh. All right. All right.
Rose: What's the plan for my pop?
"Simon": Oh, I'll put the feelers out, see what turns up, all right? Look, Joe can't be too far, all right? I'll see you later on, sweetheart, okay?
Katie: Can't wait.
"Simon": Maybe we can go and get a little convertible, just like the old days. Go for a little drive, you know what I mean?
Katie: If that man is Simon Frasier, I'm Oprah Winfrey.
Rose: Well, Ms. Winfrey, please.
Katie: I am gonna go and search that hotel room and search every piece of this island till I find my husband. And when I do, you guys can say "sorry," because it'll be my turn not to listen.

Avanya - Katie & Simon's Hotel Room

Katie: Simon? Oh, sweetheart? Are you here? Ah, my faux Snickers from my faux Simon. Oh, babe, I gotta find out what that creep did with my husband. [Knock at the door] Oh! Who is it?
Henry: Housekeeping, Señora.
Katie: Look, I don't need - [opens the door]
Henry: More towels?
Katie: Henry.
Henry: Yeah.
Katie: What, are you here to ransack the place?
Henry: Oh, I don't know, Katie. Looks -- looks like you've already started that.
Katie: All I want is to find my husband.
Henry: Yeah, well, that clown left just a little while ago.
Katie: That wasn't my clown. That wasn't Simon.
Henry: Oh, then who's been sleeping in Katie's bed?
Katie: A fraud. You said it yourself, Henry. Simon hasn't been acting like himself. Well, you were right. I should have listened to you. That creep did something to my husband, and Rose and Lucinda don't believe me. So I have to come find proof. I need to find proof that I'm right, and you need to help me.
Henry: Oh, no, no, I'm sorry. I'm late for a meeting. A local chapter of the Young Republicans, Katie.
Katie: Uh-uh. Help me. Or I'll call hotel security and report a break-in. You wouldn't wanna spend the night in the Avanya jail, would you?
[Whistles]
Henry: I'll check the bathroom. You check this room. Hmm? Chop, chop, Peretti. We don't have all day.
Henry: Please tell me the provenance is in there.
Katie: Wait a minute. What is this?
Henry: Huh? Oh, let it -- God, let it be payday.
Katie: What are all these markings?
Henry: I don't know. Let me see this. Whoa! Uh -- I'm not an expert on this sort of thing, but this looks like something a plastic surgeon might draw. Looks likes somebody wanted a brand-new face.
Katie: I knew it! I knew that jerk was a fake.

Simon's Jail Cell

"Simon": Come on, come on.
Simon: Hey, what the hell have you done to him? Joe! Joe!
"Simon": Oh, relax, relax. He's not dead yet.
Simon: What's wrong with him?
"Simon": I don't know. Maybe malaria.
Simon: Get him -- get him a doctor. Get him a doctor.
"Simon": Don't give me orders, punk. That fool Cooley left him out on the boat too long. I don't know, maybe he got too much sun.
Simon: Joe -- easy, easy. Easy. Joe, it's me -- Simon. You made it. It's gonna be okay. All right? We'll get you help.
"Simon": Hey -- hey, you run again, and we finish him off, okay? Try anything, and the old man dies. Enjoy each other's company, boys.
Joe: Rose. Get Rose.
Simon: We're gonna find her. We're gonna find her, I swear. We're gonna find Rose. We'll find Katie. We'll get out of here. I promise. Promise.

Katie: This is it! This is the proof we've been looking for. The reason Simon hasn't been like Simon is because he isn't.
Henry: Okay, whoa! Whoa, whoa, hey -- Katie, now, look, I admit Simon's not a bad looking guy, but the idea that someone would go through all the pain of plastic surgery just to look like your husband -- I don't know, c'mon.
Katie: All right. Give me some other explanation for these pictures.
Henry: Fine. Simon was obviously just -- um, then again he might be --I'll have to get back to you on that one. But there's an explanation out there somewhere, all right?
Katie: This is real, Henry. And to think I might -- I might've -- oh, god, is it cheating if you sleep with somebody who got plastic surgery to look just like your husband?
Henry: That's a good question. Let's talk about that on the way down to the police station.
Katie: Police? No, no, no, no! This is Avanya, Henry.
Henry: No kidding! I heard the monkeys screeching on the way in, but I know there are cops here. I saw them drinking in the town square.
Katie: No, I'm sorry. It is way too risky. The cops have been known to trade money for information here. And if that fake Simon finds out that we're onto him, he could be gone by morning.
Henry: And? So?!
Katie: And I may never see my husband again!
Henry: Is there a plan "B" here, Katie?
Katie: I don't know! I'm thinking of it. Oh, my god, that's him.
Henry: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa -- he's gonna kill us. Oh, my god! I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die right here in the birthplace of humidity.

Katie: Okay, just follow whatever I do.
Henry: Wait, can you -- [Katie grunting] Katie! Stop it! Knock it off!
"Simon": Hey, hey, good work, Katie I'll take it from here [talking over each other] Did you do this to our room?
Henry: Wait, wait, wait, wait, could I talk to Katie for just a moment in a private place?
Katie: It was him. I walked in had just wrecked this place!
Henry: That is not true. That's not true.
"Simon": Mouth shut. You understand?
Henry: Sure, sure.
"Simon": Now, did you find it?
Henry: What? What is he talking about?
"Simon": The provenance for the Rose of Sharon diamond. That's what you were looking for, wasn't it?
Katie: Obviously, that is exactly what he was looking for. Isn't it obvious?
"Simon": All right. All right, cough it up or I rearrange your face.
Henry: You'll rearrange my face? That's very interesting. Funny that you mention that. That's very amusing, don't you think, Katie?
Katie: Simon? Sweetheart? Wait, hold on. You're not going to hurt him, are you?
"Simon": Yeah, probably.
Katie: But that's so unlike you.
"Simon": It is?
Katie: Yes. You're always the first person to say, "the man resorts to violence is a man who's run out of."
"Simon": Oh, I said that?
Henry: Yes.
"Simon": Yeah, I said that.
Henry: Yes.
"Simon": All right. You're very lucky she's here.
Henry: Yes, yes, that's debatable but we'll talk that later. I gotta go, they're doing a wonderful production of "Waiting for Lefty" down at the Avanya playhouse. I'll talk to you later.
"Simon": Hold it. Hold it. I find you back in this room, I drop my dandy-like facade and I resort to violence, you got that?
Henry: I got it. I will remember that. Count on it.
Katie: Simon, my sweet. I'm so proud of you. Violence would've just been the easy way out.
"Simon": I know. I know. I was very Zen. Look what that weasel has done to this room, huh?
Katie: I know. I'm so sorry. You know, we'll clean it up together.
"Simon": Don't touch a thing.
Katie: Why not?
"Simon": Because I don't want my woman doing that kind of work. That's why?
Katie: Aw -- that is very sweet of you, but really, I don't mind.
"Simon": No, no -- okay, here's what you're gonna do -- you're gonna go downstairs, and you're gonna wait for me there.
Katie: Okay.
"Simon": Mm-hmm.
Katie: Why?
"Simon": Why? Because I have been ignoring you too much lately. So tonight, we're gonna eat, we're gonna drink -- and maybe even make merry, if you know what I mean. So why don't you go downstairs and get us a table.
Katie: I'll do that.
"Simon": Yeah. The one by the window, you know I like that one.
Katie: See you soon.
"Simon": [after Katie leaves] No more games, Katie. One way or the other, you're gonna tell me where that diamond is.

Avanya - El Capitan Hotel Lounge

Katie: Lucinda, come here. I have something to tell you. I found proof that Simon is not Simon.
Lucinda: You found proof?
Katie: Yes. A picture, a photograph of him with markings all over it, like a plastic surgeon would make. That disgusting man, got plastic surgery to look like Simon so he could steal Rose's diamond himself.
Lucinda: Of course, nobody likes being rejected. And you -- you love Simon -
Katie: Wait. What are you saying?
Lucinda: Well, all I'm saying is dear, that perhaps you've made up this idea of the "evil twin" because your husband doesn't want you anymore.
Katie: Oh, no, no, no. This man wants me. He definitely wants me. He invited me for dinner and drinks tonight. He possibly thinks that I know where the diamond is or I have it or something. But I thought of a plan. You're gonna somehow join us for dinner, we're gonna get him really drunk, and then we're gonna ask him questions that only Simon would know. And when he doesn't know the answers, it'll prove he's a fake.
Lucinda: Tell me why your plan sends shivers down my spine.
Katie: I don't possibly know. What's wrong with it?
Lucinda: Dear, if -- if he gets drunk and he's drinking with us, we're gonna get drunk, too. We'll be wasted.
Katie: Oh, yeah. Oh, I didn't think of that.
Lucinda: I have a solution. Excuse me. Desi.
Desi: Consider it done.
Katie: What did you tell him?
Lucinda: He's my friend, Desi. I've been cultivating him. He's gonna water our drinks and make sure that Simon's are as strong as they can be.
Katie: Nice. That's -- that is brilliant.
Lucinda: Oh, honey, I can scheme just as well as you.
Katie: Oh, I am so glad you are along with this plan because I have to find my -
"Simon": C'mon, sweetheart, let's eat. Let's eat.
Katie: Simon, Actually, I have a nice little surprise for you, Ms. Walsh would like to buy us some drinks. Yeah.
"Simon": Well, well, well, I can't say no to that at all. Desi, Desi, Desi.
Desi: Yes, Mr. Frasier?
"Simon": Double bourbon neat for me.
Lucinda: I'll have -- I'll have vodka with tonic.
Katie: A shot of tequila. Lime and salt.
"Simon": It's about time you loosened up.
Desi: Right away.
"Simon": So, tell me, what's the l occasion?
Lucinda: Darling, it obvious? I mean, Simon, I want to thank you formally for all the work you've been doing for my family down here.
"Simon": Don't mention it. My pleasure.
Desi: Here you are.
Katie: All right.
Desi: That's for you.
"Simon": Just the way I like it, Desi.
Desi: For you.
Katie: Thank you.
Lucinda: Thank you.
Desi: Salud.
"Simon": Yeah. Cheers, big ears.
Katie: Whoo!
"Simon": So you good for another?
Lucinda: Just keep them coming, as many as you like.
"Simon": Ah, that's what I like to hear. Desmond. Desmond.
Desi: Si, Senor.
"Simon": Another round.

Katie: Did you know that Simon and I once went running stark naked through the woods? Remember that, honey?
"Simon": Yeah. Yeah, sure, sure.
Katie: Yeah. Well, why don't you tell Lucinda what happened next?
Lucinda: Yeah me.
"Simon": Oh, go on. You tell her. Your story. Go on. You brought it up.
Katie: No, no. It's your secret, too. Why don't you tell her what happened?
"Simon": All right. Don't get testy. All right. So Katie's sister Margo dragged us down the police station the next day. It seemed that we had run stark naked past a group of young boys on a camp-out. She even had one of the boys there to identify us, didn't she? Didn't she? [Lucinda laughs] what's the matter, love? That's right, isn't it? Did I leave something out?
Katie: No. Uh, no, that was everything.
["Simon" laughs]
"Simon": Well, this is fun, isn't it? This game, telling secrets. Who wants to go next?

Desi: And have this one for you.
Lucinda: Thank you, Desi. Thank you. I mean, you have a delicate touch. Delicate touch.
"Simon": Yeah? Let me try. Let me try.
Lucinda: No, no. You drink your own drink. This is mine.
"Simon": Give me a try!
Lucinda: Come on.
Katie: What?!
Lucinda: What?
"Simon": There's nothing but water in there. What's going on here?
Katie: No.
Lucinda: No. It can't be!
"Simon": That's the same thing! There's no booze in here at all!
Katie: Well, there's no reason to get upset. I'm sure there's an explanation.
"Simon": Yeah, there's an explanation, all right! [Talking over each other] This man is trying to cheat us!
Lucinda: Come on. No, he's not. We're having a good time. Come on, forget it.
"Simon": We are not -- I'll tell you what. It does matter to me, all right? Tell you what, in exchange for not tearing this place apart, you get behind there and bring us two your best bottles of whiskey. And don't you dare -- don't you dare try giving us a bill. All right? You got that?
Desi: Right away, Mr. Frasier.
"Simon": Go on, get out of here!
Lucinda: Thank you, Desi Thank you, Desi.
"Simon": The nerve of that guy! But I showed him, didn't I? I showed him. I showed that guy.
Katie: You most certainly did, sweetheart. But you know what? I -- gosh, I don't even feel like drinking anymore tonight.
"Simon": What do you mean? You haven't even had anything yet and neither has she.
Lucinda: No, no, no, you're mistaken. It was just that one.
Katie: Yeah, these were -
"Simon": I'll tell you how this is gonna go down. The three of us are gonna get nice and drunk, like we planned, and I'm not gonna take no for an answer.

"Simon": All right. I'm gonna take this one up to bed. You gonna be all right?
Lucinda: I can hold my whisky.
"Simon": Yeah, yeah? I know you can. Thanks for the drinks, Walshie. It's been a grand night.
Lucinda: Wonderful party. Wonderful time.
"Simon": Hey, you know what? Let's do this again tomorrow night? Come on, sweetie. It's nighty-night. Time for bed.
Lucinda: He looks like Simon, and he talks like Simon.
[Lucinda sighs]

[Katie is dreaming of her real Simon]
Simon: Rise and shine, beautiful girl. Open your eyes. Come on, baby. Take a sip. Have a sip. That's it. He's dangerous, Katie. He'll hurt you. Stay sharp. Don't let him hurt you.
Katie: Simon?
Simon: It's me, love.
Katie: It's really you?
Simon: It's really me.
Katie: How can I be sure?
Simon: Be sure. [Simon and Katie kiss]
Katie: My, God, it is you! Oh, I was so worried about you. I thought he killed you!
Simon: Find me.
Katie: But you're right here.
Simon: Don't give up.
Katie: I won't. But, Simon, where am I supposed to look?
Simon: Find me.
[Katie wakes up]
"Simon": Yeah. Here, drink this.
Katie: I don't want it.
"Simon": Oh, get up. Wake up. I said, "Drink it!" All right? I need you sharp. Come on, love. We've got to find that diamond. Don't make me drag the truth out of you.

El Capitan Hotel Lounge

Lucinda: Oh, honey.
Rose: Hey!
Lucinda: Oh, honey, why aren't you still asleep?
Rose: What was in that pill that you gave me? It made me all loopy. I almost slept till Christmas.
Lucinda: Oh, but here you are.
Rose: I had horrible dreams. Horrible!
Lucinda: Oh, sweetheart.
Rose: About pop and Paul and -
Lucinda: Dear child.
Rose: Don't "dear child" me. What's with the milk? What's the matter with you? You got a sick stomach or something?
Lucinda: Yeah, yeah, sort of.
Rose: Well, you know what? I'm gonna get sick if you don't tell me what's going on. Why'd you knock me out? What have you been doing behind my back?

Simon & Katie's Hotel Room

"Simon": Here we go. There we are. I ordered a whole pot. Now drink up. Drink up. Good.
Katie: You know what I really want?
"Simon": Hmm?
Katie: I think I need a little hair off the dog.
"Simon": You've already had enough hairs for a whole pack of dogs.
Katie: Well, I could put it in here.
"Simon": Yeah, maybe after we talk.
Katie: Mm. My mouth's too dry to talk.
"Simon": Oh. There you go then, precious? A little bit of water for you. Now tell me everything you know about the diamond.
Katie: Hmm, well -- it's huge.
"Simon": Yeah, I know it's huge. Where is it?
Katie: How am I supposed to know? I need to walk around a little bit.
"Simon": Yeah, that's a good idea. Good idea. We need to walk you around the room. Yes.
Katie: Yes. Oh, no, no.
"Simon": A little bit of stroll -
Katie: No, no, I can do it myself! I can do it my -- whoa! How did I get here?
"Simon": Katie, come on, come on. No, stay awake. That's it. That's a good girl. Stay awake. Stay awake. There we are.
Katie: Oh, you are so cute. And there's so many of you.
"Simon": Look at me. Look at me. Focus, focus. Tell me where the diamond is.
Katie: Do you love that diamond more than you love me?
"Simon": Oh, no, no, of course not. I just want to know where it is.
Katie: Okay, I'll tell you.
"Simon": Good.
Katie: Um, the diamond is -
"Simon": Yeah?
Katie: It's --
"Simon": Uh-huh? Katie? Katie! Katie! Damn!

Lounge

Lucinda: It was a desperate attempt to try to get the truth out of Simon.
Rose: What about me? You can't wake me up, let me in on the deal?
Lucinda: Honey, I didn't want you to get all excited about everything.
Rose: Where's Katie?
Lucinda: Well -- [Lucinda laughs] last seen, she was on her way upstairs, slung over Simon's shoulder like a sack of cement.
Rose: Oh.
Lucinda: Yeah.
Rose: Call that a cheap date back in Jersey. And that's not good. That's a very bad -- you know what? Forget it! I'll deal with it on my own. I'll start breakin' some heads.
Lucinda: No, no, no, no! Please! Don't do that, because I cannot afford to have you missing, as well. I want you to remain patient and calm.
Rose: Why be patient? So you can come up with some other crazy idea to get a little loopy and get some information out of this guy?
Lucinda: Look, the only reason I went along and consented to Katie's foolish plan was because she came up with some other evidence.
Rose: The letter? Did she get it?
Lucinda: No, not the letter. She has a picture of Simon, and he's got marks on his face like a plastic surgeon makes marks on it.
Rose: He's gonna mess up that pretty face with a plastic surgeon?
Lucinda: Honey, I don't know what he's going to do. Maybe he's not even Simon. Maybe he's somebody else. I don't know what to believe anymore.
Rose: Wait a minute. Are you saying that it's possible that Katie's been right all along? Is it possible? Could we be dealing with an imposter?

Simon & Katie's Hotel Room

"Simon": We have to talk.
Katie: Ow. You're hurting me. It's okay. Ow. Just -
"Simon": Okay. I'm sorry. I'm just -- I'm just running out of time. You see, Katie, I can't help Rose find Paul and her dad without the diamond. And now if Cooley told you where the diamond is, you gotta tell me, for their sake -- for their sake.
Katie: It is a very sad story. You're making it even sadder.
"Simon": I'm sorry. I just wanna know what Cooley said.
Katie: Okay, hold on. It's a little
"Simon": All right, yeah.
Katie: Let me just retrace my steps.
"Simon": Good idea, yeah.
Katie: I walked into the bar. And I heard him moaning. He was in agony and
"Simon": Come on.
Katie: Then he started to say something.
"Simon": Good.
Katie: And I couldn't quite make it out.
"Simon": Make it out.
Katie: And then he died right in front of me.
"Simon": What did he say?!
Katie: Okay, hold on. It's coming to me. He -- you. You're such a faker. If you don't trust me anymore, then you should just
"Simon": If you don't tell me in the next few seconds what he said, I-
Katie: Okay, okay! Okay! Cooley's last word was "Simon."
"Simon": What?
Katie: He said you had the diamond.
"Simon": Well, that's impossible. The old coot told me you had it.
Katie: Well, maybe he was just confused.
"Simon": That son of a -- he lied. He lied.
Katie: It's not very nice to talk about dead people like that. Mr. Cooley didn't lie. He just was wrong -- dead wrong. Nighty night.

Lounge

Lucinda: Look, I'm not at all -- oh, God. I'm not convinced about of this, actually, darling. I think maybe Simon's just Simon. Simon is Simon, and he's consulting plastic surgeons because, when he steals the diamond, he wants to have a new identity to take off with.
Rose: That's a very good theory. But wait -- up to this point, he's been pretty decent since he's been with Katie. You know, and I know him well enough to know he'd never hurt pop or Paul.
Lucinda: Hmm.
Rose: What are you thinking? Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Tell me.
Lucinda: I'll tell you what I'm thinking. It's just a very odd thing, and it bothers me. This guy -- you gotta trust me -- he put it away. I mean, he drank enough to put a hippo -- stand up on its hind legs! And yet he treated it as if he was just drinking fruit juice.
Rose: No bad attitude?
Lucinda: No.
Rose: Fights? No Australian -- none of that? No, really? Is this the same guy that used your foyer as a parking lot the last time he had a few cocktails?
Lucinda: You got it. You see, that's what's been puzzling me. That's what's bothering me. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes that this guy really put it away, and yet he was sober as a judge

Simon & Katie's Hotel Room

Katie: You know, poopsie, if I had the diamond, wouldn't I know it?
"Simon": Maybe you've got it, and you don't know about it.
Katie: How would I not know?
"Simon": Here you go. Maybe Cooley hid it somewhere. Maybe Cooley hid it in your bag or someplace you haven't looked yet.
Katie: Oh, but I would've known. I would've found it already. What about you?
"Simon": What about me?
Katie: Well, you got here before I did. What have you been doing ever since you got off the plane?
"Simon": That is a waste of time!
Katie: I heard what I heard. Cooley said Simon has it, so Simon has it.
"Simon": No, he doesn’t! No, I don't. I haven't seen the thing since I got here.

Lucinda: Darling, we can't come on too strong until we're sure that the man is an imposter.
Rose: I don't care who the bum is, okay? I want my pop back, I want my Paul back, I want my letter back, and I don't care if I have to rip this guy's face off to get it!
Lucinda: If you confront him rashly, this Simon look-alike, you could be signing your own dad's death warrant, dear.
Rose: If that Aussie upstairs isn't the real McCoy, my dad's in worse trouble than I thought. We all are.
Lucinda: I just don't want you rushing off half-cocked with no plan.
Rose: Oh, I've got a fistful of plans.
Lucinda: Well, he's dangerous. What are you gonna do?
Rose: I'm gonna lay some Jersey on him.

Simon & Katie's Hotel Room

Katie: Cooley is obviously playing with us. He told you that I had the diamond. He told me that you have it. And obviously, somebody else has it, like Desi at the front desk or the woman who cleans the sheets or Rose or Lucinda or some other Simon.
"Simon": What did you just say?
Katie: Hmm?
"Simon": What other Simon could there possibly be?
Katie: What other Simon? The nice one.
"Simon": No, no, no, no, no, no. You're not going anywhere until you tell me what you just meant.
Katie: Nervous, hubby, if you are my hubby?
"Simon": See, that's it. That's it. It's little comments like that. I -- I just want to know what you're getting at.
Katie: Okay, why not? You -- ain't him.
"Simon": Him who?
Katie: Simon. You're not him. You look like him, you kind of talk like him, but you definitely don't kiss like him. My Simon has clean teeth.
"Simon": So what are you saying? You think I'm not your husband, huh?
Katie: No.
"Simon": You know what? It's, um -- it's talk like that that can get a person killed. [Knock at door] Don't you move. All right, whatever you're selling, I ain't buying!
Rose: Hey!
"Simon": Now look, this is a really bad time.
Rose: This will only take a minute. [Punches out "Simon"] And that is how they do it back in Hoboken.

Rose: Oh! Ah! That plastic surgeon must have put a metal plate in his jaw.
Katie: That was amazing. Where did you learn how to do that?
Lucinda: Oh, come on, darling! Don't encourage her.
Rose: Oh, we can't all be like Ms. Walsh, now. Kill 'em with an evil look.
Lucinda: Oh, come off it. If we want to see some evil, we could just stand around here chatting --
Rose: Yeah. I know, I know. You're the brains. I'm the muscle.
Lucinda: Okay, I love you, too. Go through his pockets, everybody.
Rose: Okay.
Lucinda: Come on, search.
Katie.: Gosh, he looks so much like him. It's weird. Wait. What is that? My Simon doesn't have a scar like that.
Lucinda: Where?
Rose: That's because your Simon isn't Donovan Curry.
Katie: Oh, my god, he looks like his cousin or something, like kind of the same, but -
Lucinda: Good heaven! Is that military?! I'll bet you there are some outstanding warrants down under. We should check.
Rose: Yes! Look into that.
Katie: Hello? This guy has my husband and your dad. We need him.
Rose: No, we need leverage. We gotta have somethin' to trade.
Lucinda: Well, I'll tell you something. This guy doesn't want his real identity known.
Katie: He wants the diamond. That's what he wants. That's what all this is all about.
Rose: Well, we don't got the diamond, girl.
Lucinda: Well, he don't got it, either.
Katie: Yes, but he does have something -- the provenance.
Rose: The letter from the Carpenters, yes.
Katie: Okay. We gotta find it. Obviously, he wouldn't keep it in his pockets, would he? Okay, he's gotta have it. He hid it around here somewhere.
Lucinda: All right, all right. It's time to ransack this room.
Katie: Henry and I already tried that.
Lucinda: Well, honey, you didn't have me to help you. Let's start right here. Okay!
Lucinda: This guy never cleaned out his pockets. They're disgusting.
Katie: That's because he never cleans his clothes.
Lucinda: Well I'm gonna wash my hands because that's ridiculous. Maybe he -- maybe he hid it in the commode.
Katie: Well, he definitely didn't hide it in his mattress. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he didn't hide it here. Maybe he hid it up at the top of a coconut palm or swallowed it.
Rose: What's behind the armoire?
Katie: The wall?
Lucinda: The armoire?
Rose: Katie, help me.
Katie: Hold on.
Rose: You got it?
Katie: I got it.
Rose: Careful. There you go. There's plenty of room. Okay, thank you.
Katie: That is disgusting.
"Simon": What the hell is going on in here, huh? What the hell is going on? [As "Simon" regains consciousness, Lucinda wallops him again]
Rose: Good job, Ms. Walsh.
Katie: How come everybody else gets to hit him? I wanna hit him. He's my fake husband.
Lucinda: Honey, you've got my permission. You hit him next. All right? How are we doing? What did you find?
Rose: I got something here. Hold on.
Katie: What is it?
Rose: It's a letter! It's a letter or something! It's the provenance! This is it, right here!
Katie: What do we do? What do we do? Wake him up?
Rose: No. No, no, no. First thing we gotta do is we gotta stash this someplace.
Katie: Where are we gonna stash it?
Lucinda: I don't care about that. Let's get the hell out of here before prince charming wakes up again. Get your stuff. Come on. Let's get out. Come on, honey.

Avanya - El Capitan Hotel

Lucinda: Desi? My dear friend, Desi, can you do something for me?
Desi: Anything for you, Ms. Walsh.
Lucinda: Desi, can you take this packet, and you put it in a safe place where Mr. Simon Frasier can't get hold of it?
Katie: Not my Simon. The Simon upstairs.
Lucinda: Let's not confuse the issue. Can you do that?
Desi: But of course.
Rose: Look, not that I don't trust you. What are you thinking about?
Desi: The hotel safe. I'm the only one with the combination.
Lucinda: How civilized.
Rose: It's bolted down so some crazy Australian can't ride off in the sunset with it?
Lucinda: If Desi says the safe is safe, it's safe. Thank you, Desi. Thank you, Rose. Okay, it's taken care of.
Katie: Thank you.
Lucinda: Now what?
Rose: Now we sit back, and we wait for your fake husband to wake up and start begging. [Armed guards walk into the hotel dragging Paul with them]
Rose: Paul, Paul!
Paul: Rose D'Angelo. Hey! Hey, hey, get your hands off her!
Rose: Don't you hurt him! Don't you dare hurt him!
Paul: Babe, that's fine. All they want is money.
Rose: Money? You've got money. Money, money, money!
Paul: All right.
Lucinda: What's the matter with you guys? You're all the same, all corrupt. This guy is an American citizen. Oh, you were here before.
Paul: Lucinda, just give them some cash!
Lucinda: Oh, all right. I just resent the whole thing. For heaven's sake, what kind of a world is this coming to there, go. Go.
Rose: Oh! Oh, no! Paul! Oh, I thought they'd killed you! Oh! What, did they take your money?
Paul: I was worth more to them alive Just get these things off me.
Rose: Oh they beat you. They beat you.
Paul: Yeah, well, they -- they got a few lucky shots, but I'm fine.
Rose: Oh!
Paul: Thanks, Lucinda.
Lucinda: Yeah, this is costing more than a week in the Riviera.
Rose: We've got to get you to a doctor like, now.
Paul: I'm fine. I am fine. I don't need a doctor. Have you found Joe? Simon, did he make it? Henry, Cooley, did they show up?
Katie: Uh, no -- yes and no. Yes, and he's dead.
Paul: Katie, you okay? [Paul groans]
Rose: Oh, take it easy.
Paul: I'm fine.
Katie: I'm fine you look awful, Paul.
Rose: Oh, he's okay he just needs to clean up those cuts.
Paul: All I need is a hot bath, a bed and a door that locks.
Rose: Oh, let's give you a bath. And then a steak, and then --
Paul: Show me the way, gorgeous.
Lucinda: We'll call you if we need you.
Paul: All right. The phone's gonna be off the hook, Lucinda. Thanks.
Lucinda: Okay. Now, Paul is found. Rose is found. There's hope for Joe.
Katie: And Simon. I'm not leaving here until I find Simon.
"Simon": Well, well, well. Simon's here, sweetheart, and he's not happy.

"Simon": Where's the letter?
Katie: What letter?
"Simon": The letter -- the letter for the provenance. I taped it behind the dresser, and one of you took it. Now, I want it right now.
Lucinda: Oh, he's mad.
Katie: Definitely angry.
"Simon": So are you gonna give me that letter?
Katie: No.
"Simon": No?
Katie: No, I don't think so. What do you think?
Lucinda: No, I don't think so. We're gonna keep it.
Katie: Sorry.
"Simon": I will cut your throat and not bat an eye.
Katie: I wouldn't be so sure about that. You wouldn't want to cut my throat because then you'll never get the letter, so stop making so many threats, Mr. Donovan Curry.
Lucinda: You might get the letter if we get Simon and poor ol' Mr. D'Angelo.
"Simon": Oh, bravo, ladies. Bravo. Well-done. What, you think you've outfoxed me? Huh?
Katie: Yeah, pretty much. Don't you think?
Lucinda: Absolutely.
"Simon": Well, let me tell you something. I will find that letter, and when I do, I'll make you both a copy, in your blood.
Katie: That was unpleasant.
Lucinda: But ultimately satisfying.
Katie: Yeah, well, it will be as soon as he finds out that he can't find the letter, and he's gonna have to come crawling back. But I'm worried about Simon. I'm scared, Lucinda. Did you see what they did to Paul?
Lucinda: Darling, Paul's gonna be fine and so is Simon. The person I'm worried about, really, is poor ol' Joe D'Angelo. Ah, here is Desi, the man of the hour.
Desi: Just to let you know, your letter is tucked away in the hotel safe. No one will ever know.
Lucinda: Thank you, Desi.
[Sitting at a nearby table in the bar is Henry Coleman who smiles gleefully at what he has just overheard]

Rose: The thought of those thugs just beating you up, it just makes me crazy.
Paul: I wasn't hurt -- badly.
Rose: And now I'm yelling at you for coming down here after me. I swear, I'll never leave you again. Never, ever, ever, ever, I mean it.
Paul: Good, that sounds good by me. And I have no intention of leaving this hellhole until we find your father. Hmm?
Rose: You're a dream. You know that? Now, just tell me the truth.
Paul: Okay.
Rose: Aren't you a little bit -- little bit, you know, sorry that I came into your life? I mean, I'm like a four-tire blowout on the New Jersey turnpike.
Paul: Never. My life before you was neurotic fashionistas and business ledgers. I've climbed a few mountains, but being stuck here with you -- I'd do it a hundred times over just for this.

Inside the Lounge

Lucinda: And if this Donovan Curry, or whatever his name is, is really gone, and he's flown the coop, then maybe we should split up. You could move your things back into your room, and then my room could return to some semblance of normalcy.
Katie: I guess I'm not the best roommate in the world, am I?
Lucinda: Ah -- your nocturnal habits are not ideal.
Katie: Sorry. I just couldn't sleep. I kept tossing and turning, thinking about Simon. Where is he? What's happening to him? I mean, what are they doing -- that Donovan Curry is the only one who has that information. If he took off, and he took off with that information, we should've tried to deal with him or just make some sort of deal.
Lucinda: Darling, how could we make a deal with him? You know, we had hurt his male vanity. He's not going to give us Simon and Joe for the provenance.
Katie: Why not, though? It's so stupid! It doesn't make sense. Doesn't he need the provenance to prove that the diamond's worth something?
Lucinda: He needs the provenance, but he's been outfoxed and humiliated by three silly women. He's gone off. He's taken off to lick his wounds someplace.
Katie: So what do we do now? Just sit here again and again? I just feel so helpless just sitting here.
Lucinda: Right. But that's what we're gonna do -- keep our heads down and wait. Waiting is the hardest thing there is. So we'll just wait and make sure that the provenance is safe in the safe, 'cause it's our insurance. Hmm?
Katie: I just wonder where Simon is right now.
Desi: [chasing a man wearing a stocking mask] Stop, thief, come back! He tried to break into the safe!
Katie: Safe? You are not getting away with this! [Knocks the thief across the face with a tray] Henry?! What the hell are you trying to do to us?!

Katie: Don't even think about lying to me, you cheating little rodent!
Henry: Hey.
Katie: You were after that provenance, weren't you?
Henry: Yeah, okay, all right, fine, I heard you talking about it to Desi and how you stole it back and put it in the safe.
Katie: Oh, I'm gonna wring your scrawny little neck!
Henry: No, no, no, don't do that.
Katie: That provenance is the only leverage we have to get Simon and Joe back, do you understand that? Now, you're just thinking about yourself. We are talking lives here, Henry, not livelihood.
Henry: What do you mean, "get Simon back"?
Katie: Remember those pictures we found?
Henry: Yeah.
Katie: The ones with the diagram for plastic surgery? They were real. That look-alike Simon is not only a fake, he is a monster, Henry. His name is Donovan Curry. He knows where Simon and Joe are, and he wants the provenance, too. Ha, big surprise. So as long as we have it, he has a little bit of a reason to keep Simon and Joe and all of us alive, get it?
Lucinda: Katie, Katie, do you feel it necessary to share every detail with this swine? I'm gonna call the police!
Henry: No, no!
Lucinda: Desi, call the police!
Henry: Wait, wait.
Lucinda: You're gonna find out that police custody in Avanya is a special experience.
Henry: Katie, no, tell her this is a very bad idea. Lucinda, no!
Katie: You almost ruined everything, Henry! Your stupid little stunt could've cost us Rose's dad and put Simon in who knows what kind of danger. So you're gonna make it up to us.
Henry: How?
Katie: By making yourself useful.
Lucinda: Oh.

A Jail Cell in Avanya

Simon: Joe -- come on, man. Come on, you gotta drink some water.
Joe: Stop.
Simon: You have to
Joe: Stop.
Simon: Joe, come on.
Joe: It's too late for me. You get yourself out of here. Find my Rose. Make sure she's safe.
Simon: Come on, come on, come on. Stop talking like that, all right? You gotta hang in there, all right? We're gonna find a way out of here somehow.

Avanya - El Capitan Hotel Lounge

Katie: Guess what, Henry? You're gonna find Simon and Joe for us.
Henry: How am I supposed to do that?
Katie: Well, first, you're gonna find Donovan Curry, and then you're gonna follow him, and hopefully that will lead you to them.
Henry: No, wait, wait, wait. You want me to follow the guy that you -- what'd you just say, he wouldn't hesitate to shred us like ribbons? No, no, no. No, I don't think so.
Lucinda: Wait a minute. Wait just a moment, my friend, you reprobate. You represent our last, best hope.
Henry: Well, I'm sorry, if you're so keen on following a walking cuisinart, Lucinda, do it yourself.
Lucinda: No, can't do it. Both Katie and I, he knows us by sight.
Henry: Then send Jersey Princess over there.
Lucinda: No -- Rose, too. Only you. Only you can do this undetected. And if he knows you, fine, you don some manly disguise.
Henry: Okay, remind me. Remind me, please, I forget -- what is in this scheme for me?
Lucinda: Have you lost your hearing, too? I'm giving you a "get out of jail" card free -- unless you want to go into police custody, if you prefer sadists and mice and gruel.
Henry: Okay, no, no. Lucinda, I've acquired a bit of an overhead while I've been down here. Some living expenses, perhaps?
Lucinda: This is no time for lengthy negotiations. I shall be most generous.
Henry: Okay, all right. Then -- sure, I'll follow this Donovan person, and hopefully his ribbon-shredding days are over.
Katie: Oh, come on, Henry, just stop complaining. Let's go find Desi. He'll find something to fit you, and you'll be perfectly safe.
Henry: Yeah.
Katie: I hope.
Lucinda: Not a dress, please.

Lucinda: Hey, what are you supposed to be?
Henry: I don't know. I don't know.
Katie: You look fine.
Henry: I saw this on some G.I. Joe doll once.
Katie: It's perfect, Henry. You look fine. This country's crawling with soldiers. Donovan's less likely to notice you in -- that. Just be sure not to set off anything on that utility belt.
Henry: Are you sure there's no other way that I can help you two?
Lucinda: You had your orders, private! On your way! March, march! I had a good home and I left. Two, three, four. I had a good home and I left. I had a good home and I left. Right, left, right, left.

Avanya - El Capitan Hotel Courtyard

Paul: Joe is gonna be fine. You'll see.
Rose: Thank you for believing in a life with my pop in it.
Lucinda: Oh, you're feeling better, Paul?
Paul: Yeah. Hey, Lucinda.
Rose: Do my eyes deceive me or were you talkin' to Henry Coleman?
Katie: He tried to steal the provenance from the safe.
Rose: Did you call the police? I mean, not that I'd trust those people any more than I trust that parasite.
Lucinda: Relax. Relax, Rose. We're putting him to good use in exchange for not dropping him in a dank, dark dungeon.
Katie: He will be following Donovan Curry.
Rose: The anti-Simon?
Katie: Yes. And with any luck, we believe that he'll lead him to your dad and Simon.
Paul: All right, well, then I'm following him. I don't trust that
Rose: No, no. Next time you try to play the hero, I'm gonna sit on you.
Paul: You can't honestly put your faith in Henry Coleman?
Rose: Henry Coleman? You know what? He would turn his mother in for 10 bucks and a martini.
Katie: That's true. But what other choice do we have?

A Jail Cell in Avanya

"Simon": Ah. I'm here to spring one of your charges. [Speaking Spanish]
Jailer: Think it's wise to have this one free and walking about?
"Simon": Not that one, genius. The old man. Come on, get him up! Chop, chop!
Jailer: Oye, you, hombre. Get over there and keep your hands up, where I can see them.
Simon: How's Katie? Is she all right?
Jailer: Oye -- silencio!
"Simon": Yeah. Oh, no, the cute little blonde's doing well. Thanks for asking. Very well, in fact. I left her lying there with a smile about this wide.
Simon: What did you do to her?
"Simon": To her? Nothing. With her? Well -- I guess you were wrong when you said that she would know it wasn't you in bed with her. That little sigh she makes? Ahh. It means more, right? Give me more, big boy. [Simon attacks Donovan, the guard pulls him off.]
Jailer: One more time -- one more time, and you're dead! Now stay there! Don't move!
"Simon": Come on. Get him up.
Jailer: Come on, viejo. Come on, let's go. Come on. Get up. Come on.
Simon: Hang in there, Joe. Be strong, mate. Just hang in there! Come on, just be decent enough to get the man to a hospital!
"Simon": Yeah, sure. I'll -- I'll put it on my to-do list.
Simon: Get him help, all right?! Just get the man some help!
Henry: Psst!
Simon: Go away.
Henry: Quit mopin' around, Simon!
Simon: Henry?
Henry: Yeah. Who else do you think would be crazy enough to don this outfit and then just walk into a third world prison?
Simon: I never in my life thought I'd be actually glad to see you.

El Capitan Hotel - Courtyard

Katie: Oh, my God -- he's here.
"Simon": Oy, you two. Lovebirds. Get in here now.
[Rose groans]
"Simon": All right. So you wanna make a deal?
Katie: Uh, yes. We will give you the provenance in exchange for Simon and Joe.
"Simon": No, I don't think so. That's boring. Uh -- all right, here's how it's gonna go down. Since I've got the old man.
Rose: Pop? You got him? Is he okay? How is he? Where is he?
"Simon": You finished? Good. All right, since I've got the old man, I'm giving you 24 hours to bring me the provenance and the diamond.
Rose: Or what?
"Simon": Or your pop comes to a very slow and painful end.

Simon: I never actually thought I'd be happy to see that -- that simpering smile.
Henry: Oh, yeah. You smell awful. [Henry laughs] You know, speaking of stink, your -- your double, Donovan Curry, he has a little penchant for homicide. I don't know if you knew that. You can ask our old friend Cooley if you have the stomach to dig him up.
Simon: Look I know he's bad news.
Henry: Mm-hmm.
Simon: He was just in here. He took Joe with him.
Henry: Any idea where they went?
Simon: No, I don't. All I know is that Joe is sick, Henry. You've got to find him, get him to a hospital.
Henry: Yeah, we'll find him, we'll find him. But now that I've found you, um, how the heck do I get you out of here?
Simon: How's Katie?
Henry: Uh, she's furious, but she's fine.
Simon: That man, has he -- has he abused her at all?
Henry: Hmm?
Simon: Has he hurt her, Henry? Has he touched her?
Henry: What? Oh, you mean has he -- has he touched her?
Simon: You know what I mean, Henry.
Henry: Oh, dios mio. Man, I can't believe this. You're stuck in this Avanya hellhole, and your evil doppelganger is wreaking havoc on us, and you're worried about whether Betty's been kissing Reggie? Let me tell you something you, Archie
Simon: Listen up, Jughead! You tell me right now. Has that counterfeit reject been doing anything improper with my wife?

El Capitan Hotel - Lounge

"Simon": So, since I've got the old man, you have 24 hours to bring me the provenance and the diamond.
Rose: Or what?
"Simon": Or your pop comes to a slow and very painful end.
Katie: Oh, come on, that's ridiculous! We don't have the diamond. What, are we just supposed to go find it? We have no idea where it is!
"Simon": Then why are you still here then, huh? Go on. Off you go. Start looking.
Rose: What is your malfunction? We just told you, we don't have the diamond!
"Simon": My terms are non-negotiable. If you think I'm gonna change my mind or have an 11th-hour attack of conscience, you're wasting precious time. Now, if you want to see your father again, bring me what I want.
Paul: How do we know you'll hold up your end of the bargain? How do we know you even have Joe?
"Simon": Well, well, well. Finally someone's thinking. Good work, son. It's story time, kiddies. [pulls out a tape recorder] Gather 'round. A message from dear old pop. Sit, Rose. Sit! Good girl. You've been well-trained.
["Simon" plays the tape of Joe]
Joe: Rosie, bella bambina, don't give in to this joker. And Rosie -- don't you worry about me. I'm gonna be okay, no matter what they tell you. Your old pop is gonna be just fine, and so are you. Just do what you do, right? I love ya', cara mia. I love you.
Rose: What did you do to him?! What did you do to him?!
"Simon": Oh! Finally we understand each other, huh? I've got something you want, and you've got something I want. Now, are we gonna make a deal?
Rose: You're killing him! You are killing my pop!
"Simon": I'm not killing him, Rose. You are.

Katie: It'll be okay. We'll find that diamond, we'll find your father, we'll bring him home. He'll be fine.
Rose: He's gotta get to a hospital! He can't even see a doctor because this maniac will not tell us where he is!
"Simon": So give me the diamond, and you can do with him whatever you choose.
Paul: All right, you need a hostage, you take me. Let her father go free.
"Simon": No, that's, okay. Hey, thanks for the heroics, though. But there's not much fight left in the old man, if you know what I mean. He's a lot easier to control. 24 hours.
Rose: What was that?! What are we supposed to do here?! I mean, we have no idea where the hell that diamond is!
Katie: Okay, we're just gonna turn this island upside down, we'll bribe the right people. It's okay. If Simon and I can make it through Malta, we can bring your father back.
Rose: I am not leaving here without my pop, you hear me?
Paul: Now you're talking.
Rose: If only dead men could talk.
Katie: Cooley must have hidden that diamond somewhere on this island. We'll just start throwing money around. We'll start with Desi, we'll get as much information as we can, and we'll find it. We'll take it to not-Simon, we'll find my Simon, and then we'll be done, okay?
Rose: This is killing me. I mean, my pop, he's holdin' on for dear life here, all because of this stupid rock that has brought me nothin' but bad luck since I found out what it was worth. That guy is right. If anything happens to my pop, I'm gonna know that it's my fault.

Avanya - A Jail Cell

Simon: All right, so you're telling me she doesn't ...
Henry: Yes, I'm telling you. What are you? What are you, crazy? Of course. She saw right through him! For some unfathomable reason, she's crazy about you, all right? I don't understand why. She adores you. She's memorized every part of you. So if she can't see through some impostor, who could?
Simon: All right.
Henry: All right. That's what makes her so irresistible. Now, if we are done with this installment of "Avanya Confidential," let's get back into getting you out of here, okay? All right. How about the window? Can you -- I don't know. Can you pull the bars out of the wall?
Simon: I've already tried that. The jailers cemented it stronger than ever, so now it's a no go.
Henry: Well, uh, I'm out of brilliant ideas, so good luck. Let me know how it works out.
Simon: Henry, if you walk out of this jail, you'd better run for your life, because I will hunt you down!
Henry: I'm only joking, old boor. I gotta tell you though, I am -- well, I'm in the dark here. I got nothin', so if you have any contributions -
Simon: What about Paul? Have you -- have you found Paul?
Henry: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He caught up with us yesterday. He's a little beaten and battered. I -- I think the Avanya welcoming committee found him. [Sighs]
Simon: All right, look, uh -- go back to the El Capitan. Tell Rose that Joe is no longer here, but do not tell her how sick he is.
Henry: Yeah. That's not gonna work. Have you ever been the bearer of bad news to that woman?
Simon: After that, um, you're gonna have to get me some explosives.
Henry: I'm gonna what?
Simon: Yeah, you heard me.
Henry: Okay. Yeah, that's fine. I saw some dynamite laying around at the fiesta lounge. No problem, Simon.
Simon: Black market, Henry. Use your brain. They'll sell anything there. They'll sell their own mothers. Find some kids with some cherry bombs, whatever. Just bring back something that goes "bang." All right, you got it?
Henry: Okay, yeah, me savvy GI. Boom. TNT make jail go boom. Okay.
[Simon laughs]
Simon: I'm counting on you, Henry. And I tell you what, it scares the hell out of me. Get out of here! Go!
Henry: All right.

Avanya - El Capitan Hotel Lounge

Katie: This is not your fault, Rose. You can't blame yourself for things that are completely out of your control. Your dad's a tough guy. He's gonna get out of this just fine.
Rose: You think so? It's just that everything and thinking about me, who I am is -- is my pop, you know? He's the last of the D'Angelos. If he dies -
Katie: He's not gonna die, Rose.
Rose: If he dies, then part of me is going with him.
Lucinda: Dear --
Rose: The best part of me.
Lucinda: Desi's got a guard 24 hours a day on the safe just in case. You holding up?
Rose: Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm great. I want my pop.
Henry: What's a guy got to do to get a martini around here?
Rose: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Did you find him?! Did you follow him out of here?! Where did he go?! Where did -- the guy, the guy, the other Simon?!
Katie: Did he -- did he lead you to my Simon?
Lucinda: What about Joe?
Paul: Yeah, what about -
Henry: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. One at a time here! Yes, yes, I followed the impostor all the way from El Diabolito to what can best be described as a jail, and that's where I found Simon. The real Simon.
Katie: Is he okay? Tell me. You've got to lead me to him. You've got to take me to him. He needs me.
Henry: No, no. I'll tell you what Simon needs, and it's not his hysterical little wife running wild in that jail, all right?
Katie: Did he leave a message for me?
Henry: Oh, yeah, two messages -- one for Rose, and one for Paul. Paul? Listen, Simon says, and I'm paraphrasing here, "get some dynamite, blow up the jail." He wants out.

Henry: Now, I don't know where in this god-forsaken banana republic we're supposed to find explosives, but -
Paul: All right. There's -- there's a motor pool here. There's got to be some gasoline somewhere on the premises.
Henry: You can make explosives? Oh, young Mr. Stenbeck, I do not want to know.
Paul: All right, Rose, Lucinda, start a search of this place. I want every room checked, every inch of this place checked. I'll talk to Desi, see if he can put his hands on some materials that can get Simon out of jail, all right?
Lucinda: You go to housekeeping, look for ammonia. I'll go to the garden shed, look for fertilizer.
Paul: Okay.
Lucinda: Are you ready?
Rose: All ready um, are you okay?
Katie: Yeah. We're both gonna be okay.
Rose: Come on, come on. Go.
Paul: All right, be careful.
Katie: Henry, what was Simon's message for me?
Henry: He's fine.
Katie: The truth?
Henry: That is the truth.
Katie: You swear on your life?!
Henry: Yeah. He's healthy and strong, and the first thing he asked about was you.
Katie: Really?
Henry: Mm-hmm. I have the bruises to prove it.
Katie: Thank you, Henry.
Henry: Yeah, I'd better help them find that diamond.
Paul: Hey, Katie, we're gonna get Simon out of that prison, all right? Simon, Joe, diamond, home, okay? It's all gonna happen, all right?
Katie: Simon, Joe, diamond home.
Paul: Got it.
Katie: Thank you. Simon, Joe, diamond, home. Simon, Joe, diamond, home. Simon.