Katie: Mmm, it's so warm and cozy in here. And you look very -- comfortable. I am so sick of this cold! And I'm sure you are, too. So we are gonna do something about it. I have this idea. And, normally, I wouldn't suggest something like this, but I just can't help it. I was thinking how great it would be to just give in, you know? Give in to temptation.
Simon: All right, stop. Just stop right there.
Katie: I can't. Simon, I am only human. I have needs, and sometimes they are more than I can bear.
Simon: Look, forget it. We are not going having this conversation.
Katie: You don't mean that. Believe me, you don't want to say no to this. It's hot, it's satisfying, and it's going to make you a very happy boy. You're gonna thank me in the morning. [Katie shows Simon a bag from behind her back] Mabel's red hots, with all the fixings.
Simon: Hot dogs?
Katie: Yeah -- unless you had something else in mind? Come on, it's all in the bag. We have got hot sauce, extra onions, relish. No, no, no, there's something missing.
Simon: What do you want, Katie?
Katie: Oh, mustard!
Simon: No, no, no, no -- wait, wait. What do you want from me?

Simon: Wait, wait, wait. Just look at me, all right? Look at me. Every time I turn around, you're working another scheme. You -- you fake a pregnancy, you con a federal agent, you make deals with millionaires --
Katie: What can I say? It's a gift.
Simon: -- All in the name of keeping me in this country, is that it? In this town, in this garage, right by your side?
Katie: Funny how things work out.
Simon: Look, look, most men would be -- would be flattered to have so much of your boundless energy spent on them, but --
Katie: But what?!
Simon: But it freaks me out 95% of the time, because I, for the life of me, can't figure out why!
Katie: So, I do all these nice things for you, and you have a problem with it? Okay, I get it. Hubby wants a fight.
Simon: Ah! I'm not your "hubby!" I just wanna know what is going on in your brain!
Katie: It's fine. You want a fight? It's fine. Husbands and wives fight all the time. They have to let off a little steam. That's what makes the making-up part so much fun.
Simon: Just answer the question -- what do you want to get out of this?
Katie: Why does it matter? All of my little schemes -- if that's what you want to call them -- have paid off, haven't they? You wanted to stay in the country, I made that happen. The I.N.S. comes knocking at the door, I send them away. When you wanna go have a joyride through the Walsh mansion, who gets you bail and gets you out of prison?
Simon: Yeah, but why? Why?!
Katie: It's just part of what wives do for their husbands.
Simon: Look, husbands and wives do a lot of things that we don't do.
Katie: Well, I can be just as patient as you are.
Simon: I'm not a patient, man, okay? And I want a simple, honest answer. What are you getting out of this?
Katie: I don't know! I guess, I love you.
Simon: We've been down this road before. This arrangement isn't about love.
Katie: You said you wanted a straight answer.
Simon: I do.
Katie: Well, that's about as straight as it gets. I know I have said things before out of desperation or fear or whatever you wanna call it, I admit that. But when I tell you I love you, it's different. It's just the way it's always been.

Simon: You're kidding, right? I mean, it's just like when you walked in here with these -- with these hot dogs doing all that thing, you're just trying to get a rise out of me, aren't you?
Katie: It's not that complicated, Simon. I meant what I said.
[Simon groans.]
Katie: What?!
Simon: Kat -- you -- you can't love me. That's -- that's -- that's crazy. That's crazy!
Katie: You asked me for an honest answer, and I gave it to you. Did I ask for your opinion or your comments?
Simon: All right, you do realize -- you do realize -- that there is no way that this can be reciprocated, don't you?
Katie: Oh, here we go again.
Simon: I just -- I don't want to hurt your feelings, all right? So you need to know this. What you see is what you get -- today, tomorrow, years from now. In other words, I am not -- I am not gonna grow to love you. And, honestly, if we're gonna be speaking honestly, then -- then quite honestly, sometimes I don't even like being around you.
Katie: All husbands feel that way from time to time, silly. That's why they invented football.
Simon: Katie, you are a beautiful, funny, surprising woman. You should be with someone who loves you, someone who is really gonna appreciate your -- your millions of unique gifts.
Katie: Sweetie, you sure you don't want a hot dog?
Simon: No, no, I'm not your sweetie, and, no, I do not want a hot dog! I have had enough. And I'm sure you've had enough, too, if you'd just be honest with yourself. So, if you walk away now, I -- I will shoulder all the blame, all the consequences. This is my fault, so it's the least I can do. I just -- you can have a chance at having a real life.
Katie: You know what, Simon? You are so full of it, because every time you have threatened to leave me, you could've walked back to Australia by now! Now, I have made my stance very, very clear -- very simple -- a fool could understand it. So why don't you take a cold, hard look at yourself and tell me -- tell us -- why we're still here? What do you want out of this arrangement?

Katie: Here. I want you to take a cold, hard look at yourself, and just tell me what you want.
Simon: What I want -- I want peace, quiet, room to breathe -- the American dream.
Katie: Mirror says -- [Katie makes buzzing sound] -- wrong answer, try again.
Simon: Well, I guess I don't understand what you're trying to say.
Katie: I am trying to figure out what is keeping you here, okay? You came here for Lily. You wanted to stay in town because of Lily - darling Lily. But you don't have her anymore. She's out of the picture. But you're still here. And, yeah, yeah, you complain, and you stomp your feet, and get all quiet and masculine on me. But lo and behold, you're still here. So you're obviously pretty happy with this little arrangement. Who's living in a fantasy world, huh? You or me?
Simon: Well, my fantasies are a hell of lot more fantastic than this. Believe me.
Katie: Fine, whatever. All I'm saying is that I've told you my reasons for sticking around. So what are yours? Huh? What's keeping you from being on a jet back to Australia so you can go and wrestle with crocodiles or koalas or whatever it is you people do to sublimate your sex drive.
Simon: I can't leave. I can't leave you.
Katie: Why is that?
Simon: Well, if I did, you'd be -- you'd be fined, you'd be thrown into jail.
Katie: Oh, please. You know that I could get out of that, like, in a second. I always do. So get off your white horse. There are no martyrs here. Come on, come on. You're free. You can go, with my blessing, no questions asked and no hard feelings. All right. Let's try this again. No Lily, no me. I'm letting you free -- free, free. Go. What is keeping you here, Simon, in Oakdale? Besides the fabulous cuisine?

Katie: Going somewhere?
Simon: As a matter of fact, I am.
Katie: Oh, really? Well, you must really not want to answer this question if you're letting it drive you out the door.
Simon: I gave you an answer. You just don't want to accept it.
Katie: No. Sorry, mate. Nice try, but you're not getting off that easily. That's not how it works.
Simon:Well, I guess I'm not up on the rules of engagement.
Katie: You're not staying here to be altruistic, I know that much. And you're not staying to prove that you're a man of your word.
Simon:Then you tell me, Katie, why am I staying?
Katie: 'Cause you've got a secret. Come on, Simon, just tell me. Tell me what it is. I won't tell anyone. Or do you want me to try and figure it out by myself?
Simon: Oh, please. I gotta go be a servant at the Java Underground.
Katie: All right, have fun at work, honey. I'll be waiting. And I forgive you for our little squabble. So, when you get home, we can make up. Oh, wait, did I say "make up"? I meant make out. Kidding!
[Katie alone.]
Katie: Hmm. I was right. Simon's got a secret.

Simon: This is getting, getting really, really old, Katie.
Katie: Oh, come on. Can't a girl have a little fun? Besides, I have to keep in practice for when we're no longer married.
Simon:So this get-up isn't for my benefit then?
Katie: Well, only if you want it to be. And I do have one teensy, weensy, little ulterior motive.
Simon:Now how did I know that?
Katie: Since you continue to avoid me, I figured I'd catch you in a place where you can't run away.
Simon: No, no, no, do not -- don't start, not here.
Katie: I can't believe you're afraid to tell me the real reason you're staying in Oakdale.
Simon: And I still can't believe that we're having the same discussion.
Katie: Well, it must be big. As and you obviously don't want anyone to know, but why? Come on, Simon, I'm gonna find out anyway. You might as well just tell me right now.

Katie: Okay, let's start with what we know. You're Australian, you suddenly come to town in search of some one of a kind diamond that is now at the bottom of the ocean. How am I doing?
Simon: Once it was gone, I stayed in Oakdale to be with Lily. But as you've pointed out on many occasions, she's finished with me. And now, I'm married to you. Are we all done?
Katie: So here you are, a man who has ridden a train through the Andes, worked on oil rigs, raced cars, and now all of a sudden, you are working on cars and stocking bars in the middle of the corn belt? What happened?
Simon:Well, what can I say? I like adventure. All types. I might even be liking this gig if you weren't here playing "Charlie's Angels."
Katie: It's not that you can't leave Oakdale. It's that you can't go back to Australia. That's it, isn't it? What did you do? Kill someone? Over a woman?
Simon: You really missed your calling as a pulp fiction writer, you know that?
Katie: Oh, come on. Would you just level with me, Simon? For everything I've done for you to keep you here, you can trust me. Just tell me what it is.
Simon: All right. If I tell you, you'll drop it. Never to speak of it again?
Katie: On my word of honor.

Katie: All right, I promise you, your secret is totally safe between us.
Simon: All right. All right. The truth is, I work for the government.
Katie: Which government?
Simon: Shh.
Katie: I'm sorry, go ahead.
Simon: It's not important.
Katie: Sorry, go ahead.
Simon: I'm a trained operative, here in Oakdale to find the missing component of a very, very top secret missile system. I mean, this thing is gonna make that "Star Wars" stuff seem like a cheap fireworks display.
Katie: Cute, Simon.
Simon: Yeah, but you almost bought it, didn't you? Lighten up, Katie.
Katie: Don't underestimate me, Simon. I'm gonna keep digging until I find out what this little secret is. I mean, a guy like you doesn't just plop himself down in the middle of the boonies of some foreign country for no reason!
Simon: Why not? Look, I haven't seen it all, but I've seen enough to know what I want.
Katie: Why don't you just tell me then?
Simon: All right. You want to know what my secret is that badly? I'm a lot more dangerous than you know. Look, I've found what I want in Lily. And if you believe that, then you're going to save yourself a lot of time and trouble.
Katie: Nice try, Simon. But it looks like I'm going to have to start digging after all.
[Simon alone.]
Simon: You better keep out of my business, Katie. Or you'll wish we'd never met, much less married each other.
[Katie on a payphone.]
Katie: Henry, it's Katie. Um, if you're there pick up. Okay, well, I hope you didn't scurry out of town yet because I am working on a very important project that I need someone special to help me with. Someone sneaky and I know how sneaky you are so call me. Please.

Katie: Henry? It's me for, like, the millionth time. Now either you're not checking your messages, you're ignoring me completely or you're dead. Now, whatever your malfunction is, will you please just call me? I need you -- your favorite words, if I remember correctly. Now, don't make me hunt you down, because I will. I just need my old friend to help me dig up some very well-buried bones. So, as soon as you get this, call me.
Simon: "Old friend," huh? Which old friend might that be?

Simon: So someone's gonna help you dig up information on someone else? And that's what you just said on the phone, isn't it?
Katie: Yeah, we're just playing a prank on this guy.
Simon: Yeah, what guy?
Katie: A friend from high school. It's kind of like a mini-reunion thing. Just a bunch of us getting together, talk about old times.
Simon: Yeah, right.
Katie: You know, just like you do with your old friends, right? Oh, whoops, sorry. Personal information, I don't know what got into me. Since you made it painfully clear that I'm to stay on the fringes of your life.
Simon: So how many "old friends" are there? Huh? I mean, you never mention any, it's not like they ever call.
Katie: Hmm. I was thinking the same thing about you.
Simon: Oh, wait, there is one friend who keeps showing up.
Katie: Friend of mine?
Simon: Yeah, yeah, that slick character. Your buddy, the drag queen. You know, the pregnant bloke from the doctor's office in Peoria?
Katie: Oh, you mean Henry? Don't be ridiculous. I haven't seen Henry in ages.
Simon: Well, if you two are up to something, let me make this perfectly clear for you. You were right the first time. My life is off-limits to you.
Katie: But I am part of your life.
Simon:In the loosest possible sense. But if you insist on digging around my past, asking questions --
Katie: You can't blame the woman that you're married to for being curious about you. You can ask anything you want about me.
Simon:I know enough.
Katie: What about your childhood? I mean, is that off-limits, too? Look, I know we can't have fun in the bedroom, but we could have fun. You could tell me some exotic stories about your past. Come on, you haven't told me anything except for that time on your Paddington Express.
Simon: Pantagonian Express.
Katie: See? We know next-to-nothing about each other.
Simon: Yeah, but the thing is we're perfectly happy that way. 'Cause that makes every day an adventure.
Katie: Oh, but I just --
Simon: Katie, let's just make a solemn vow to each other. You'll leave this alone. Look at me, my life is my own, my past is private and Katie-free and I want to keep it that way, okay? Just stay out of it.
Katie: And what if I don't?
Simon: Then I'm gonna have to take you over my knee and teach you a lesson.

Yo's Bar

Katie: Classifieds, huh? Or are you checking for your name in the obituaries? You look like death. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Henry: Well, if it isn't Katie Peretti Frasier. The woman who still owes me 500 bucks, who only smiles when she thinks it'll get at what she wants. Why don't you take it somewhere else, huh?
Katie: Oh, don't be so cranky.
Henry: What is that? I have a right to be. I give and I give and I give to you, and what do you do? You turn your back to me in my time of need. Go away.
Katie: Well, I'm here now, aren't I? I'm sorry, Henry. It was a really rough time for me.
Henry: Yeah, yeah. I hear that's the toughest part of a marriage, and the newlywed confesses that their expected bundle of joy is just a figment of her overactive imagination.
Katie: By the way, did I mention that you look like hell?
Henry: Yeah. Thank you for noticing.
Katie: What happened to you?
Henry: Well, I lost my job, I lost the 500 bucks you promised to repay me, I guess I lost my will to groom, Katie. It's called the snowball effect.
Katie: All right. You're really creeping me out.
Henry: Oh, if that's your way of showing concern for me --
Katie: I only meant --
Henry: I know what you meant! I'll be the lead pup in the comeback trail-- I just -- I have got to get out of this place.
Katie: Yo's?
Henry: Oakdale. But hey, enough about me, to what do I owe the honor of this dubious visit?
Katie: I just have a little favor to ask.
[Henry laughs.]
Henry: Wow, what now?
Katie: I need you to dig up somebody's past for me.
Henry: "Somebody?" A specific "somebody," I assume?
Katie: My husband.
[Henry laughs.]

Simon: Look, mate, brothers-in-law or not, from the little I know about you, I'm not interested in any business propositions. Thanks anyway.
Craig: You don't seem like the kind of man who'd settle so easily, Simon. Don't the fumes get to you in here?
Simon: No, no. Occasionally the visitors, but never the fumes.
Craig: You must get paid very well here in "Burt's Garage," to turn down a lucrative offer before I've even --
Simon: Look, I know your type, mate. I mean, you come in here, you make a few promises, flash a smile, flash some cash, you think it's a done deal.
Craig: I don't have a type, Simon. And why have resources if you can't use them?
Simon: Well, I don't work here, so you might as well take your resources elsewhere.
[Craig laughs ]
Craig: Okay, okay. So, I don't impress you, and you don't impress me, but this is America, amigo! Doesn't mean we can't do business --
Simon: Honestly, I think you got your ears closed because --
Craig: Business that is beneficial to both of us.
Simon: And does such an animal exist?
Craig: Ah, zoology. I heard about your parking problems at the Walsh Estate.
Simon: Yeah, it's legendary.
Craig: Took a lot of nerve to take on Lucinda like that.
Simon: No, no, no, no. Just a lot of scotch.
Craig: A lot of bad blood to ram into the castle gates -- or was it the foyer?
Simon: And look what I got for it -- dragged off to jail, carted off to court, and a hell of lot of traffic fines to pay.
Craig: She poisoned her daughter's mind against you, didn't she? If it weren't for Lucinda, you and Lily might --
Simon: Just leave Lily out of this!
Craig: Okay. Okay. But still it has to rankle, doesn't it, even now. I mean, after all is said and done, Lucinda really stuck it to you, didn't she?
Simon: Well, thanks for pointing that out.
Craig: Welcome. A man harboring such unbridled tred must think about a quieter way to pay the old gal's kindness back, huh? One that might work to his advantage.
Simon: How?
Craig: I believe she hired someone to steal documents from my suite tonight. Documents that are important to me.
Simon: So, you want me to what? Go and sweet talk them out of her? Maybe you want me to drag through a foyer again and demand them?
Craig: No. I want you to steal them back.

Craig: The plan is so simple, you could do it with your eyes closed.
Simon: What? Just stroll up to the front door --
Craig: No, no, no, the back door. There's no security, there's no guard. My son always uses the garden entrance. And he is notoriously lax in locking the doors, you can walk right in.
Simon: Well, you've got all this worked out, haven't you?
Craig: I don't have time for mistakes, Simon. Once you get into the library, and you find these certain documents, you bring them back to me.
Simon: You're assuming a lot here. Number one, that I'm even interested.
Craig: Are you?
Simon: Why are you coming to me?
Craig: Well, I thought you could use the money. I know Katie's not used to living under these --
Simon: Katie, Katie's free to leave whenever she chooses.
Craig: I also thought you had aspirations, Simon. Unless you grew up dreaming of living next to a garage.
Simon: I do fine.
Craig: Oh, so you don't want to get back at Lucinda for meddling in your life? Used your car as a battering ram, sure. But wouldn't it be nice to just walk into the sanctum sanctorum of that shrew and exact a more lasting revenge, and score some points for the good guys? This offer won't last forever.
Simon: These papers -- they sound important.
Craig: They are.
Simon: Any chance they're the type of papers that might land you in prison?

Yo's Bar

Henry: A mission, should I choose to accept it.
Katie: Just find out everything you can about his past.
Henry: Uh-huh.
Katie: Jobs, women, business arrangements, family -- all of it. Something is keeping him here in Oakdale, and I want to know what it is.
Henry: Gee, that should be a tough one. Her name is Mrs. Holden Snyder. There you've got your answer. Let's discuss the matter of my fee.
Katie: Lily's not the reason.
Henry: How can you be so sure?
Katie: Well, Simon wound up in jail because of a traffic violation, and Lily did not come to his rescue. Instead, she went off on vacation.
Henry: Say it isn't so! Congratulations! Or whatever you say in these circumstances. You don't think your husband's secretly in love with you, do you?
Katie: No, that's not it. He won't tell me what it is. And every time I ask, he gets all weird and strong and silent.
Henry: Oh, spare me.
Katie: Can you help me?
Henry: Can I help you? Yes, that goes without saying. Will I help you? Well, business is slow, so I've got some time on my hands -- why not.
Katie: Good! All right. What?
Henry: You don't think I'm doing this out of the kindness of my heart, do you? Incentive, incentive, Katie. What's -- what's in this arrangement for me? Hmm?

Burt's Garage

Simon: You still haven't answered my question.
Craig: Could these papers cause me legal trouble if they fell into the wrong hands? No.
Simon: Then what's the problem?
Craig: They could cause a temporary embarrassment and a romantic impediment with a certain woman, if you know what I mean.
Simon: No, I won't even pretend I do.
Craig: Of course not. Simon, all i'm asking for is your simple assistance. It's a simple matter.
Simon: Yeah, I've got a simple request. Leave.
Craig: Simon --
Simon: Look, I'm a crazy man, Craig -- I mean, this crowbar might slip out of my hand and, you know, oops --
Craig: I like the attitude. And you're gonna need it when you're carrying out this request.
Simon: Forget it. I barely got out of doing time for my own bright ideas, so there's no way I'm doing time for yours.
Craig: No one is going to do any time, Simon. You take care of me, and I take care of you.
Simon: And why should I believe that?
Craig: We're brothers-in-law.
Simon: Right, and that means what?
Craig: Well, it's a certain formality. But I can see that my sister cares very deeply about you. And I'd rather have her pining over you for the next two years here, than lining up on visiting day to put her little hand against the glass.
Simon: Such a close family resemblance, you and Katie.
Craig: Thanks. When you stop spinning your wheels, call me.

Yo's Bar

Katie: Okay, what do you want me to do?
Henry: I want a letter of recommendation from your brother. I want to get out of this town, jump-start what's left of my career.
Katie: That's it?
Henry: It's not as simple as it sounds. Craig Montgomery is not exactly my biggest fan.
Katie: Yeah, well, that may be so, but he is my brother, and getting people to do things they don't really want to is one of my specialties.
Henry:Then you'll get the letter?
Katie: If you'll get Simon's secrets.
Henry: It's a deal.
Katie: All right.
Henry: Let's toast, huh? I feel like celebrating.

[Phone rings.]
Katie: Hello?
Henry: Hello, gumdrop. I'm just checkin' in to see if you have any late-breaking news for your uncle Henry.
Katie: I'm sorry, Henry. I haven't had the chance to ask Craig for your letter of recommendation. But I might have a little more incentive if you had found at least one reason why Simon is still in Oakdale. You promised you'd help me with that.
Henry: Well, not without some incentive from you. I -- i have some interesting leads, but you can't expect me to continue without any financial encouragement.
Katie: Wait, wait. Excuse me. Did you say leads? Oh, yes, I can hear gloating, Henry. Why don't you tell me what they are right now?
Henry: Maybe later. But I have some late-breaking news for you. Oh, I wish I could break this to you gently -- I really do -- but no such luck. Lily Snyder's back in town.
Katie: How do you know?
Henry: A little birdie told me. Tweet, tweet.

Henry: Katie, Katie, married lady, relax. You gotta learn to calm down, or you'll -- you won't be able to appreciate the finer things in life.
Katie: I want to know what these leads are, Henry. [Simon walks in.] Why won't you tell me? Simon, where are you going?
Simon: Java underground, and I'm late.
Katie: Oh, well, tell Isaac I said hi.
Simon:Why don't you tell him yourself when you come and check up on me?
Katie: I wasn't gonna check up on -- [Simon leaves.] Llisten, Henry, I know how much you love to torture me. But just this once, give me a break. If you have any information that can help me save my marriage, cough it up.
[ Coughs ]

Java Underground

Isaac: Now, Simon, you know we got Tamira performing here tonight. Could you go backstage and make sure that everything she needs is taken care of?

Burt's Garage

Katie: Don't sweat it, I'm on it.
Rose: Taking out the garbage? Isn't that usually husband's work?
Katie: Oh, it's only you. I thought you might be --
Rose: Lily? No wonder you're so twitchy.
[ Rose laughs. Katie slams the door in her face ]
Rose: That's not nice.
Katie: What do you want, Rose? A shoulder to cry now that Lily's back?
Rose: How do you know that?
Katie: A big-mouth birdie told me. Which means you're probably a little twitchy, too, huh?
Rose: Not if Simon is still carrying a torch. Is he?
Katie: How would I know? I'm only his wife.
Rose: So, you don't know if he's still hung up on Lily? That is so sad, you know? You guys are newlyweds. You're having communication problems. You ever think of a marriage counselor?
Katie: Ever think of how your teeth are gonna look when I knock them out?
Rose: Hey, I'm on your side, okay? I mean, I think your husband should be here doing the dirty work, instead of doing the dirty deed.
Katie: I know exactly where my husband is. He's at Java Underground, working.
Rose: Yes, he is at Java Underground. But, no, he is with Lily Snyder. Mm-hmm.

Rose:Yep, pretty soon you're gonna have to give up this gorgeous home. Or maybe Simon will leave it to you when he moves in with Llly. 'Cause Holden's not moving in with her, I can tell you that much.
Katie: : All right, that's it. Out, out. Get out.
Rose: I'm trying to do you a favor.
Katie: You wanna do me a favor, Rose?
Rose: Mm-hmm.
Katie: All right, the day that you try and convince Holden that a carbon copy is better than the original, why don't you let me be there? Let me be a fly on the wall.
Rose: Mmm, too late the deed has already been done. And you gotta be very careful. Flies, they must be very careful, because they get squashed.
Katie: You're just jealous because I have the husband of my dreams, and you don't.
Rose: I know something about dreams. I know they can evaporate at a moment's notice. What's that sound? Oh, that's the reality train, and its name is Lily. Catch it. Choo-choo.
Henry: I heard everything.
[ Katie screams ]
Katie: Henry, you scared me half to death. What the hell are you doing here? I've been waiting all night for you to call me back.
Henry:Oh, but, gumdrop, you hung up on Uncle Henry. So I decided to come down here and deliver the good news in person.
Katie: Well, it's a little too late. Rose already beat you to it.
Henry: No, no, no, no, no. I mean the other good news -- about Mr. Simon Frasier. Let's see, born February 1st, Aquarian, 1973, on a family sheep farm in Wagga Wagga. I'm serious, Wagga Wagga, Australia, it's a real town. The only son of Mr. and Mrs. Roger Frasier, one sibling, Celia -- attended the Prince Albert academy for boys --
Katie: I know all that.
Henry: All right, do you know about his various jobs? He was a firefighter in New Zealand, a construction worker in Sudan.
Katie: yes, I know all that. Skip to the good stuff.
Henry: Okay, it seems our boy has put more spin on his life than a bad DJ. Now, he claims to have gotten a degree in Architecture from the University of Melbourne, when, in fact, he studied agriculture at Charles Stuart U. In Wagga Wagga, but didn't graduate.
Katie: Fascinating.
Henry: All right, Miss-Know-it-all, I was saving the best for last, but if I'm boring you --
Katie: No, no, no, no. Come on, keep going, keep going. Sorry.
Henry: Well, via the internet, I got in touch with some of Simon's old mates -- sheep ranchers mainly -- who still live in scenic Waggaland. Anyway, they hadn't heard from their bobby dazzler in a couple of years, so they were really happy to hear that he was alive and doing relatively well. Anyway, amidst the usual rousing tales of camaraderie, one little tidbit stuck out like a piece of sirloin in a beggar's stew.
Katie: What?
Henry: The year that Simon spent in the states before he came to Oakdale is a complete mystery nobody knows where he was or who he was with. But before Simon left, he told his buddies something very interesting. He said he might be getting married.

Katie: Just because Simon told a bunch of drunken sheep farmers that he might be getting married doesn't mean he actually did.
Henry: Well, gosh, that would make him a lying, thieving, reckless-driving, illegal alien, bigamist. Ole!
Katie: Shut up, Henry! You can't call him names until you know that he deserves them.
Henry: All right, well, I'll check in to see if this marriage really happened and who the woman is. But considering the wages I'm being paid, I need you to do something for me first.
Katie: What?
Henry: Ask Simon, huh? That won't cost you a cent, and then you can save us both a lot of time and trouble.
Katie: No, Henry, that's the stupidest thing I could do. If he knows I'm suspicious, he'll be on guard. It'll be a lot easier for you to dig up things if he doesn't know you're doing it. Oh, god, this makes it even more crucial to find out what Simon is doing here still. If it's not Lily and it's not me, it must be this so-called "wife." You can't let me down now Henry, I have to find out.

Katie: Wow, with all your money, can't you afford a gardener?
Lily: I'm actually saving up for one of those gigantic, electronic fences that zaps unwanted visitors. Consider yourself unwanted. I'm busy.
Katie: Listen, Lily. I know I'm not exactly number one on your favorite people list, probably not even close to 101. So, can we pretend this is a white flag? I'm sorry about the gardener crack. I'm just nervous.
Lily: What do you want?
Katie: Well, I was thinking. You know, there must be a pretty special connection that grows between two people who spend so much time in the middle of nowhere together like you and Simon did on the island. I mean, you must know a lot about him -- his past, his childhood, his family. I mean, you got to know his sister, didn't you?
Lily: Yeah, Celia did manage to introduce herself to me, just before she tried to kill me. So?
Katie: Yeah, well, I know she's, you know, dead. But Simon hasn't ever really mentioned the rest of his family, and I was really wanting to get in touch with them.
Lily: Why?
Katie: Just to let them know about us, that we're married and everything.
Lily: Ahh, uh-huh.
Katie: And Simon's such a private guy. It's so hard to get him to open up.
Lily: So what makes you think that I'll share anything about Simon's private life with you?
Katie: Well, I need help with the INS I mean, I'm married to the guy, and I hardly know anything about him. I don't know about his family, his friends. I mean, there must be an ex-girlfriend around somewhere. I should probably get in touch with her and let her know that Simon's off the market.

Java Underground

Rose: Hey, fancy meeting you here.
Simon: How you doing, Rose? It's kind of early for you, isn't it? You got a dance class?
Rose: No. No classes. Just gonna work on some routines. How's it going?
Simon: Fine.
Rose: Was I dreaming? It seemed like you and Lily were getting into something intense last night. Looked that way to me.
Simon: Yeah, it was pretty intense, I guess. Look, I really got to do this inventory.
Rose: Well, come on. I need details -- details. I thought I saw a spark going on there between the two of you. Did you two get something going?
Simon: Yeah. Yeah, we got something going. Going down like a sinking ship.
Rose: What are talking -- are you saying that it's over? Is it over? I mean, permanently over?
Simon: Yes, it's over. Permanently. Completely. Utterly.
Rose: Well, what's your next move?
Simon: Well, I've been giving that a lot of thought.
Rose: Good.
Simon: Yeah, and I really think I've come up with something that's gonna work.
Rose: Let me hear it.
Simon: All right. All right. First, I'm gonna start by playing it really, really cool.
Rose: Yeah? Then what?
Simon: Okay, and then when Lily least expects it --
Rose: Yeah?
Simon: I'm going to get out of her life, so she can get on with her marriage.
Rose:What, are you nuts?

Rose: So you're gonna give up? Just like that?
Simon: I'm giving Lily what she wants, all right? Holden.
Rose: Did she say that to you?
Simon: No, no, I made it up.
Rose: You know, maybe she said that to you because she's trying to make you jealous.
Simon: Yeah? Well, she succeeded.
Rose: Come on. You're Australian. You're supposed to be tough, skinning alligators with your teeth, stuff like that.
Simon: I've gone way too many rounds on this one, Rose. All right? I'm throwing in the towel.
Rose: But you'd do anything for Lily. I mean, you even married Katie Peretti, the piranha, to stay close by.
Simon: That was then.
Rose: You can't give up now. You can't. Simon, you know women. You gotta charm them. You gotta woo them.
Simon: Look, Rose, just --
Rose: She needs some sex. I'm telling you -- you gotta get on with it. You gotta get on your business. Simon!
Simon: That's not gonna happen.
Rose: Look at you. You love her. Look at your face.
Simon: Yes, yes, yes, I still love her. All right? That was never in dispute.
RoseThen do something about it.
Simon: I have. I'm giving her what she wants by letting her go. All right, I want what's best for her. That's the way love works.
Rose: Not back where I come from in New Jersey. We do the pit bull theory. We hold on for dear life. We don't let go. We never let anything shake us.
Simon: Yeah, well I'm not from Jersey.
Rose: Lily's your love. She's your love. You gotta fight for her.
Simon: I am so done fighting, Rose.
Rose: I'm gonna not let you do this to yourself.
Simon: Who you trying to kid? What -- like you care about me all the sudden.
Rose: Simon, you are the most important person in the world to me right now. Because if you give up on this romance, there's only one guy that Lily's gonna glom onto -- Holden. And I'm not letting her have him back. No!
Simon: Rose, I am so not interested in your problems hanging onto Holden.
Rose: Well, I'm not just thinking of myself. Okay? It would be better for everybody if Lily chose you.
Simon: Yeah, well, Lily doesn't see it that way.
Rose: You think you're doing her a favor, huh? Holden and Lily get back together again. Two, three years down the road, Lily realizes that she settled for something -- again. And she starts to think how that sweet Australian guy that she was crazy in love with and she let him walk off to the sunset because she was afraid.
Simon: Look, Lily has made up her mind.
Rose: So has Holden. He's happier with me.
Simon: Yeah, sure, if that's what you want to believe.
Rose: I got proof.
Simon: What are you talking about?
Rose: Right here. This is a letter that Holden wrote to me, last summer when he thought I was Lily. Right here. Look at it, in black and white. How our life together was better than before Lily left. How he loves the new me and he's fallen in love all over again. Right there.
Simon: Lily can't see this.
Rose: I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to see her make some decision, some stupid decision based on some cock-eyed idea of loyalty or -- I don't know what. It's gonna mess up everything for all of us. You can change her mind. I know you can.
Simon: What?
Rose: Holden. What we have -- Holden and I have is magic. It's the kind of magic you have with Lily. And it's the Jackpot, Simon. How many times in our life do we get to experience something like that? You and me and Holden and Lily -- if we give up now, we may never have it again. Okay, so make Lily choose you, and we can all be happy.

[ Phone Rings ]
Holden: Hello?
Simon: Yeah, it's Simon.
Holden: Yeah?
Simon: Look, man, I need to talk to you, but I've gotta work. You think you can swing by Java Underground this morning? Just wait one second. What? Are you outta here?
Rose: Think about what I said.
Simon: Look, I saw Lily last night, and I think there are some things you don't know.

Snyder Garden

Katie: Tell me about Simon's high school sweetheart, the countess that got away, or maybe a model that he swore to follow to the ends of the earth.
Lily: You know, if Simon wanted you to know about his past liaisons, I'm sure he would have told you himself.
Katie: He didn't tell you either, did he? Wow, and you were on an island alone with him for eons. You don't know anything about his past? That's pretty pitiful.
Lily: What do you want? What are you looking for? Why are you digging up information in Simon? What? The baby fell through -- now you're trying to find another way to keep Simon in your life?
Katie: Oh, no, no, if that's the kind of help I needed, I would not come to you. You hardly know how to keep a man, but you could write a how-to book on house-wrecking. You did wreck two marriages at once, you know? Mine and yours.
Lily: Don't get any ideas that you had the soda can ring on your finger and that gives you the right to play the injured wife. Just get a life, Katie, and stop trying mine on for size.
Katie: Simon is my life.
Lily: No, no, he's an acquisition. He's a step on the ladder of success for Katie Peretti. Your career fell through, and now you're going the marriage route. I know how it works.
Katie: Is the fact that I love Simon, that he might truly love me so intimidating to you?
Lily: I don't want you around anybody that I care about because you are a virus. You are a menace to anybody that comes in contact with you, and it's gonna stop.
Katie: That's right. I am a menace to you, because you're a wimp. You didn't love Holden or Simon enough to fight for them.
Lily: Oh, you're right. Maybe that was the biggest mistake that I made. I stopped fighting. Thanks to you, I'm gonna start.

Java Underground

Holden: I'm here. What's this about?
Simon: Hey, want a drink?
Holden: Get on with it. I don't enjoy being summoned by you, so whatever you have to say about my wife -- out with it.
Simon: All right, I saw Lily last night. There's no way that she and I have a future together.
Holden: That's it?
Simon: I thought that might mean something to you.
Holden: I've already heard it all.
Simon: But wait a minute. She wants her life back, all with you and the kids.
Holden: So she said.
Simon: And what? You didn't believe her?
Holden: I don't need to answer any questions from you.
Simon: What? So you're not through punishing yet? Is that it?
Holden: I don't need you telling me about my wife!
Simon: Oh, yes, you do, man, you do, because I am the only person who can swear on a stack of bibles that your wife has done nothing to deserve this kind of punishment. What? You never believed her, did you? It's been months, and you still think that we slept together on that island! We didn't! What you saw, what you walked in on -- that was as far as it got! Come on, man, she talked about you constantly -- you and the kids. She wanted to go home. And every day, she fought with everything in her to get back to her life. Then one day after months, she gave up. She gave up fighting, and that's when you decided to turn up.
Holden: She left you.
Simon: Yeah, for a while. Then I guess she remembered what she really wanted. Look, this is for you.
Holden: Does Isaac know you're giving up profits?
Simon: No, it's bought and paid for, okay? It's repaying the favor you did for me.
Holden: Oh, when I showed up at the garage with that bottle of scotch, tried to warn you about Katie -- I didn't do that for you.
Simon: No, no, you did it for Lily so that she wouldn't be hurt again. Since I'm doing it for the same reason, consider this a reminder.
Holden: I don't need it. There are no more Katies in my life -- not anymore.
Simon: Okay, so there's nothing and nobody stopping you from being with Lily.
Holden: You leaving town?
Simon: Is that what it would take to convince you that it's over between Lily and me?
Holden: I don't know.
Simon: Lily wants you. She probably always has. The question is, do you want her?

Snyder Garden

Katie: Think about this, Lily. You don't want to do anything rash.
Lily: Oh, I do. I do.
Katie: You can't just attack me in the middle of your yard!
Lily: Oh, I can. Yes, I can.
Katie: Think about this. You are a very respectable citizen. Think about your children.
Lily: Oh, no jury's gonna convict me after everything you've done to me.
Katie: I -- when I married Simon, I did it to help him! I couldn't help it if I fell in love with him.
Lily: Oh, whoops. You have a very bad habit of falling in love with people. The problem is, your objects of affection belong to others. But you don't care about that.
Katie: Well, I do care about Simon, a lot more than you do. You know that he went to jail, but you didn't do anything to help him. Do you know how that made him feel? Do you know how much that hurt him? But no, you didn't care. You're off finding yourself.
Lily: Do you know how much you hurt him by lying to him about being pregnant?
Katie: No, I helped him with that. If I didn't lie about that, he'd be off to Canada with you. And you would eventually leave him for Holden, just like you've done right now. Yeah, Simon told me about your little chat. And you know what? He's glad to be rid of you.
Lily: Simon didn't tell you anything. I saw Henry at the Java Underground. He's spying for you now?
Katie: You know, how I found out doesn't change the facts. And the facts are that you pushed Simon into marrying me because you loved him so much that you couldn't live without him. Yeah, right, that was just a few months ago. Who's shallow, Lily? Who's selfish?
Lily: Just get out of here.
Katie: You know what your problem is, Lily? You're a cold fish. You have no passion in your life. You had two of the greatest guys in the world, and you lost them both. So, I'm sorry. You know, I might be a little impulsive at times, but at least I have a little fire left in me. Maybe you should try that.
Lily: Maybe you're right. Maybe I should be a little more impulsive. [Lily grabs the water hose and begins to squirt Katie] You're right! I do feel better, Katie!
Katie: Stop it! Stop it!
[ Katie screams ]
Katie: Stop it!
Lily: Now, that -- that is what a cold fish looks like.
Katie: I come here to ask you a few lousy questions and you attack me?!
Lily: Oh, fine okay, I'll help you out. I'll let you know everything you need to know.
Katie: You will?
Lily: Yes. There is a woman in Simon's past. Yes, a woman that's going to ruin everything that you have with him.
Katie: Who is it?
Lily: Me.
Katie: Are you changing your mind again? I thought you were going back to Holden.
Lily: Oh, I am if he will have me, yes.
Katie: So what are you talking about?
Lily: Henry should have stuck around to hear the rest of the conversation I had with Simon. I told him it was over -- for good -- because I respect him. But I also told him I will do everything I can to get him free of you.
Katie: All right, so let me get this straight. You told Simon that it was over for good, forever?
Lily: That's right.
Katie: Oh, this is great. This is fabulous.
Lily: Don't count your chickens, Katie.
Katie: Why not? You were the only reason that Simon wasn't committing to me.
Lily: No, I'm the only reason you two were together. And it's over.
Katie: You wish.
Lily: No, see, there's no reason for Simon to stick around anymore. He doesn't have to stay in the country to be with me. You're not pregnant. So you have to face it. All your hooks to get the man are gone.
Katie: We'll see about that.

Java Underground

Holden: You really think that I'm gonna spill my guts to you about anything that's going on between Lily and me?
Simon: Fine. Fine. Keep your plans to yourself. Just stop blaming Lily for all of this because you did your part.
Holden: Yeah, I did. I listened to my wife. I wanted you out of that house, but instead, I let her convince me to let you stay. If I hadn't done that, none of this would've happened in the first place!
Simon: Yeah, yeah, and there still would have been Katie down at the TV station.
Holden: I never left Lily for Katie.
>> Simon: No. But you're gonna leave her for Rose?
Holden: That is none of your business.
Simon: You want me to back off? Fine, I'll back off. You want me out of town? I'm a ghost.
Holden:: That's generous. That's very generous of you.
Simon: 'Cause I will do whatever it takes to make Lily happy, to see that she isn't hurt -- because, yeah, I do love her. And if you loved her, you would do the same thing, not make the same mistake. Wake up, man. Your life -- the life that you had with Lily, the life that you wanted back -- it's right there for the taking.
Holden: Thanks for this.
Simon: Sure.

Rose: Thanks! Thanks a trillion!
Simon: Ah, you're back.
Rose:: Yeah, yeah. So, what did Holden say?
Simon: So, what did you hear?
Rose: What? Does he know that I still have his letter?
Simon: No.
Rose: If you're settin' me up, I swear, I will -- I will rip your heart out.
Simon: It's too late for that, Rose. It's already been done.

Burt's Garage

Simon: What, are you coming down with -- well, what happened to you?
Katie: Oh, I tried to pay a friendly visit to Lily Snyder.
Simon: Yeah? Looks like you and Lily have a different definition of friendly.
Katie: Yeah, well, I was trying to make amends, but that woman is a maniac. She went totally crazy and took the hose to me. [Simon laughs ] it's not funny.
Simon: Believe me, it's funny. Come here.
Katie: I can't believe you're still defending her, especially now.
Simon: Look, you know Lily and I are over with.
Katie: Oh, yeah, like you're so over it.
Simon: Yeah, I have to be.
Katie: That is the most wonderful thing that I've ever heard.
Simon: We've really gotta get you some sensitivity training, don't we?
Katie: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I know that your feelings have been hurt, but life goes on. Now you and I can be a real couple.

Katie: This could be the best thing that ever happened to you.
Simon: What, a life of wedded bliss with you?
Katie: Why not? You're not gonna be moping around here, pining after Lily anymore. Besides, you were attracted once. You can be again.
[ Katie sneezes ]
Simon: Aw, thanks.
Katie: Sorry.
Simon: You want to know something? After everything that you've done for me and to me, for that matter, I still think you're really sweet. But there is no you and me.
Katie: But there can be if you would just give it a chance. Why do you have to be so stubborn?
Simon: Because I'm leaving Oakdale.
Katie: What? Why? To go back to Australia?
Simon: Look, I didn't say --
Katie: What is waiting for you --
Simon: I didn't say where I was going. I just said that I'm getting out of here.
Katie: You can't just run off, Simon. What about the INS? What about me?
Simon: You know what's weird? In some sick, twisted kind of way, I'm really gonna miss you and that troublemaking smile.
Katie: Yeah? Well, this smile's not going anywhere. And neither are you, husband of mine.